Health service offers free neck massages

Make sure to act right away in order to take complete advantage of the health service’s innovative, stress-relieving self-help solutions. You deserve it! / Courtesy of Wikimedia

Vassar’s responsive and effective health service has once again proven that it can provide useful, timely and accessible services to students. Given that students have been complaining of prolonged stress from midterms week, Vassar will provide subsidized oxygen masks and neck massages to students who need them. The headline says they’re free, but that’s what advertising is all about. Students can make appointments with the health service (now with a waiting time of only 40 minutes!) by calling their responsive helpline. They may or may not pick up, but they’re just busy helping all the other stressed students! After crossing that hurdle, students can opt to receive a detailed instruction manual for self-administered neck massages (What? Did you actually think someone was going to give you a massage?) for just $39.99. The other option is an oxygen mask for the price of $49.99, which doesn’t include an instruction manual because you’ve probably been on an airplane, and if you weren’t paying attention to the safety video then it’s your loss. Vassar’s health service is not responsible for teaching you how to breathe oxygen, which is pretty common knowledge. Students should make an appointment to avail themselves of these services ASAP, before they run out. They probably already ran out, but make an appointment anyway to kill a couple hours. Happy stress management!

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