The bare necessities: forget about your Vassar woes

Honestly, I was pretty stumped on what to write about for this issue. It’s hard to write about something funny when life isn’t very funny. But then, I rewatched “The Jungle Book” live action over spring break, and dear old Baloo started singing one of my favorite Disney songs, “The Bare Necessities.” So, I had my Eureka moment and decided to put a Vassar twist on this concept. I don’t know what you all are feeling at this point, but I’m starting the second half of the second semester of my first year in college and it’s crazy! I just got here! Here’s some tips and hacks I’ve picked up (in my short experience) to thrive at Vassar when your world feels like it’s crumbling.

  1. Chocolate is a necessity, not a luxury.

Always have some chocolate stashed…white, milk, dark, salted, semisweet…whatever suits your fancy. You’ll need some of that little bit of heaven for an unexpected breakup or test score or just when life feels like too much.

  1. Deece smuggling: innovation at its finest!

When formal meals become troublesome, just bring along some Tupperware to the Deece and stash it in the fridge for a rainy/snowy/hazy/ drizzly day because who knows when those mozz sticks are returning? Try to crawl out of your cave to actually eat scheduled meals so that your body doesn’t freak out. Catch up with a friend while deecing. Eat and socialize at the same time—you can kill two birds with one stone!

  1. Cry it out/Netflix and chill it out/Nap it out

College can be really stressful.

No shame in allotting 15 minutes to bawl your eyes out or watch some Netflix or take a nap before getting back to work. Because you’re a human (even though your professors might think you’re Superman and run on jet fuel).

  1. Be proactive about laundry.

Here’s the thing. There are only like 2400 of us on Vassar’s campus. And yet, for some reason, we fight to the death for laundry machines. Dorm basements are where Vassar people are the meanest. Avoid doing laundry on weekends or right before a break. Otherwise, some dude who literally hasn’t done laundry in a month will carry down like four loads of laundry and take yours out the second it’s done. Yikes.

  1. Maybe read the paper on the bathroom doors.

I mean, you might as well stimulate your brain while you pee. It’s good to remember things like “reserve the bed for sleep and sex” or that Spud Cannon’s album is potentially explosive. You know, the handy street-smart information essential to Vassar life.

  1. Party it out! Dance it off! Wait a sec…

If partying on weekends is your gig, try the tally thing (learned this from a bathroom door in Davi). Or whatever floats your boat. Just remember: Sunday hangovers hurt. Also, you’ll have all that work you didn’t do Thursday. Or Friday. Or Saturday. But hey, Seven Deadly Sins, Halloweekend, Founder’s Day and Primal Scream are must-have experiences.

  1. Free and For Sale is your new best friend.

Why spend hundreds of dollars on clothes and all that traveling time on the mall shuttle to buy a warmer coat or nice dress shoes at the last minute when your fellow Vassar friends are always looking to sell their new or gently used hand-me-downs anyway? So have someone add you to the Facebook group and shop away. Be the shark before the goodies are snatched away!

  1. The Deece favors Apple products.

If you don’t have an iPhone or a Mac, don’t count on having functional Wi-Fi when chilling in the Deece. If you want to eat and work at the same time (because we millenials are so good at multitasking) but don’t have the luxury of Apple products, Express and the Bridge have your back. Or you could Deece-smuggle and study in your room.

  1. Existential crisis?? Visit the CDO!

No idea what you are doing this summer? Don’t know how to answer that dreaded “where do you see yourself ten years from now?” Cover letters got you feeling sad and confused? Capitalist pressures causing you to drown stress from your unforeseen future financial status? The Career Development Office is very helpful to pull yourself together. Drop by, get someone to write your resume and grab a couple of pieces of candy.

  1. Be wary that Vassar merch likes donkeys.

Look, Vassar merchandise from the Juliet is beautiful with options in maroon, grey, white, pink and navy. Problem is good ol’ Matthew’s last name flaunt its “ass” everywhere. Hats, shirts—you name it. Anything with “Vassar” centered on it highlights this word. So if you have a small frame, maybe avoid hunching when wearing that adorable jersey shirt. Or not, if you’re an adamant lover of wild-ass rides because Vassar is definitely one.

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