Trump causes mass comedian layoffs

Late-night comedy is in even more turmoil than the Trump White House. Hosts from Samantha Bee to Stephen Colbert are refusing to go on with their shows, claiming that the political climate has grown too ridiculous to satirize. “At this point, the news is already hilarious, so there’s no joy in trying to turn it into comedic material,” said Colbert, who has no current plans to return to “The Late Show.” He explained, “I was trying to research the recent scandals around the President’s womanizing, and an article popped up titled ‘Stormy Daniels’ Lawyer Is Threatening to Reveal Pics of Trump’s Awful Dong.’ How do I compete with that?”

Bee, who has indefinitely suspended production of “Full Frontal with Samantha Bee,” said that she has been so stressed by option paralysis that she had to book a vacation to Bermuda. “With this constant flood of absurdity, I don’t even know where to begin,” Bee lamented. “Just last week, Joe Biden claimed that if he were in high school, he would ‘take [Trump] behind the gym and beat the hell out of him’ for sexually assaulting women—and then Trump tweeted that if the two were to scuffle, Biden would ‘go down fast and hard, crying all the way.’ Remember, these are two crusty dudes in their 70s. And every day, there are about five headlines that are just as ridiculous. This is not in my job description!”

Trump was not the only target of comedians’ ire: Trevor Noah, who has shortened “The Daily Show” to a five-minute monologue, implicated Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway for her attempt to combat the opioid epidemic. At the White House’s Generation Next forum, Conway recommended fast food over fentanyl, saying, “So I guess my short advice is, as somebody double your age, eat the ice cream, have the french fry, don’t buy the street drug.” “I thought the Conway news was an Onion article,” said Noah. “How do I make that funnier than it is?”

Jimmy Kimmel—who has officially resigned from his eponymous show—commented, “We can only hope that Mueller’s investigation puts impeachment on the table in the next few months. Until then, I’ll be doing a weekly webisode of Celebrities Read Mean Tweets…with absolutely no politicians allowed.”

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