Zuckerberg to spill Vassar FB tea

In a recent press conference, overlord Mark Zuckerberg revealed his heinous plans to publicize everyone’s lists for VC Senior Scramble/Courtesy of Brian Solis via Flickr

The tech industry and the world at large were left reeling last week when news broke that Cambridge Analytica, the name of which blatantly sounds like a nefarious, anti-democratic corporation, did indeed turn out to be a nefarious, anti-democratic corporation. It was revealed that the British consulting firm harvested information from over 50 million Facebook users without their permission. They exploited the data to target voters with advertising that helped elect the human embodiment of a racist Facebook tirade in 2016. The data ranges from friends lists to “Which FRIENDS character are you?” personality quiz results. Nobody was safe from this massive Facebook leak— not even liberal arts colleges in the Hudson Valley.

In its early days, “The Facebook” was a lesser-known social hub populated primarily by college students who searched for study buddies and “poked” them. It is still more or less a staple of social life on campuses such as Vassar’s because of its functions as an event planner, a means of communication and above all a platform for trillions of memes. However, a rapidly evolving world and Mark “Privacy Policy” Zuckerberg have wrought terrible changes. Reports suggest that the Zuck allowed for the release of a plethora of private information from Vassar students in particular. Among many other topics, Cambridge Analytica collected data about which campus orgs students have liked, every student’s list of potential suitors for VC Senior Scramble, and the names of authors of formerly anonymous “Vassar Missed” posts. It is unclear what they intend to do with all of this information, but if their track record is any indication, they are up to no good. If you see a targeted Facebook advertisement featuring a picture of Donald Trump standing next to Meryl Streep, at least you will know why.

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