Horoscopes– 4/4

Aries

I, much like you, feel summertime sadness. I assume you feel the sadness for the same reason I do: You can no longer wear wool socks. While you can still try, the foot sweat and stench becomes unbearable. The stars predict that you’ll make unfortunate impressions on your professors if your feet stink.

Taurus

You may be a little stubborn, but that can be a positive trait, especially when your friends want to celebrate the end of school year by jumping into the Hudson River. Continue to remind them that the water is about 40 degrees and that the first shark attack in North America happened in the Hudson River!

Gemini

Now’s the time to embrace your body. Get the confidence you need for swimsuit season by sending all of your friends and family members your nudes. Hopefully you’ll even get some compliments!

Cancer

I know you are desperately waiting for spring to turn to summer, even though I’m afraid it’s still winter. However, that does not mean that you can’t pretend it’s summer. You could turn up your radiator all the way to five and prance around your room in a tank top and shorts!

Leo

You have a big secret. A deep, dark secret! You don’t want summer to be here. While all of your friends look forward to their break, you know you won’t because you’ll miss all of them too much. No need to fret, you will be able to fall asleep with them over FaceTime.

Virgo

I suspect you want to go on a road trip this summer. Now’s the time to make useful friends so you won’t have to drive that six hours by yourself. Prior to attempting friendship, stalk them on Facebook to see if they have a picture after passing their driver’s test or with their car.

Libra  

You’ve been acting shady lately. Although it’s not summer yet, you can get in on the sunglasses trend. Hopefully your shades will help you live out your lifelong dream of being shady! Also, they will keep you from burning your retinas.

Scorpio

As a Scorpio, you get jealous easily, so I know that seeing everyone’s spring break pictures in exotic places like Hawaii or Missouri can create some competition. To make your Instagram cooler, Google images of beaches and Photoshop in yourself and a couple of palm trees!

Sagittarius

You may be feeling feisty this week. Resist those urges and agree with everything your roommate and closest friend says. Whether they want to touch tongues or spend two weeks at your house in the summer, I would recommend saying yes.

Capricorn

You may ask big questions, like: In real life, do Olaf’s feet melt on hot pavement? Are all puddles dead snowmen? Is stealing the Bible from a hotel morally wrong? If you want answers, email the Mice of Main advice column at hgaven[at]vassar. edu and jschermerhorn[at]vassar.edu.

Aquarius

You may be hesitant to go on a trip with your friends after school gets out. You are an adult and don’t need your parents’ approval. So go wild! Perhaps you could go to Montreal and party at a discotheque where the drinking age is 18!

Pisces

It’s time to prank your friends before the end of school. Consider putting a pair of shoes in their fridge or whispering “you have to pee” into their ear while sleeping. Also, you can tie their delicates together and toss them over the water pipes (however, that’s a fire safety hazard, so don’t get caught).

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