Dear Mice of Main,
Everyone at Vassar seems to have their own unique style, but I can’t seem to find mine. I always end up wearing athletic gear, and I just bought a new pair of purple Crocs. How do I branch out and find my own style that is appropriate for both class and comfort?
In a While Croc-odile
Dear In a While Croc-odile,
It seems you already have a style: elementary school chic. While Crocs are something most of us have grown out of, it’s never too late to take off the Silly Bandz and buy a pair of shoes that don’t have holes in them. The first step to determining your style is binge watching “Queer Eye.” That will give you the motivation to reach out to a friend who is willing to style you. The next step is burning your Crocs. The final step is shopping! Try on something from every rack. It will be emotionally draining, so make sure your squad is there to give you advice.
Dear Mice of Main,
I can’t find sources for my neuro paper. It’s on the effects of orgasm on the brain. I might just need to conduct my own study; any ideas for what exactly to do?
—Feeling High and Dry
Dear Feeling High and Dry,
Research is a lot of work. We decided to help you and write a procedure so you can get it done quickly! First, gather a bunch of people with vulvas (we suggest mass emailing the school so you will get a large sample size). Next, acquire a bullet vibrator, a rabbit vibrator and a washing machine. Then, schedule individual meetings with each eager participant. For a good introduction, ask questions such as: “How often do you masturbate?,” “Do you use penetrative sex toys?,” “If you were a dildo, what color would you be?” and “Do you like butt stuff?” Finally, test and record participants’ pleasure responses to the various stimuli (self, sex toy and partner). Make sure that you wash the sex toys between uses!!!
Dear Mice of Main,
This girl and I were touching pinkies at the amazing Vass Shakers performance last night. I think she might be into me, but right now we are just friends. She’s had some pretty amazing ex-girlfriends, so I want to ask her out in an unique and special way. What should I do to woo her and snag the date?
—Fingering Something Out
Dear Fingering Something Out,
You should draw a scene of the two of you on your wedding day with all of your family
surrounding you and crying out of joy. This will require you to research what her family members look like, so show up to her house and take pictures during family dinner. If she lives too far away, then Facebook stalking will do. You could give her flowers (that squirt out water), so that when she grabs them, she’ll get wet. Hopefully, she’ll be impressed by your magic. Just remember, rabbits can only stay in top hats for a couple hours, so plan to do that trick immediately when you see her in the Deece. Or you could sleep with her best friend and
then have her friend tell her how good you are in bed. This might cause some drama, but it will just make her want you more. And if it doesn’t work out with her, you can have her best friend. Finally, you could try asking her a would-you-rather question, such as “Would you rather swim through a pool of shit or dead bodies?” Depending on her answer, fill the Vassar swimming pool with dead bodies or shit; she chose the first date! If she picks the bodies, then either kill a bunch of people or dig up bodies from the graveyard. If she chooses the shit option, you can pour the school’s sewage into the pool.
Feeling sleep-deprived, wretched, heartbroken and/or generally disoriented? Send any and all questions you want answered to Hannah (firstname.lastname@example.org) and/or Josie (email@example.com) with the subject “Mice Advice.” It’s guaranteed to help!