It’s time for some of those toxic friendships to go. As it’s almost the end of the year, now’s the time to separate yourself from your friends who fart excessively in your room, frequently nap in your bed and wipe their noses on your sleeve.
With spring cleaning season underway, it’s time to go through your closet. I know there are a lot of things you don’t wear anymore. Donate them. If you’re really feeling generous, you could donate all of your clothes and then proceed to live in a nudist colony.
Gemini, you know what you need to do. Pluck those nose hairs. It’s nice to have them around through the winter so your nose will stay warm. However, with spring fever and all the pollen, ripping out those pesky hairs is a good idea. This way, you’ll be breathing clearly and serving looks.
Time to clear out your roommate. Room draw is underway, and now is the time to ditch the old roomie for a single or maybe a new roomie. If you still can’t seem to get away, you could always suffocate them in the night.
I know that your desk is just as cluttered as mine. Take this next week to wash the dishes that you’ve stolen from the Deece, remove the ladybug colony and burn all of the extra (and probably important) papers from your classes.
The stars tell me that you haven’t done laundry since the fourth week of school. Make your mom proud and throw in a load. You can get away with only washing the essentials: underwear and socks. Don’t worry about the towels; those are meant to clean you.
Now is the time to clean yourself, Libra. Maybe you haven’t showered in a week (same). Let’s break out the shampoo and body wash! Just remember to go to the bathroom before you get in the shower because the warmness and sounds of dripping water make you feel like you have to pee.
When was the last time you checked your refrigerator? Is it running? Because you should go catch it. (Just kidding!) On a more serious note, you may have month-old milk in there that you should dare a friend to drink.
While it is currently the time to start bringing things home, you should consider bringing a bedpan to school. Your friends may question it, but you will be so happy! Not only can you stay in your room forever, but you can also poop alone!
Don’t lie, Capricorn. We all know that you haven’t cleaned your floor. EVER. Today is the day to crawl under your bed and find that duster. Be careful though because dust bunnies are rabid and will go for your soul.
You seem to be on top of your spring cleaning, Aquarius. Take the extra time in your schedule to help out a friend. Wash their mugs, help fold their delicates and even brush their hair. If they need a lot of help, you could even sing them lullabies.
It’s been a long time since you’ve updated your playlists. You can spice things up by adding short descriptions. Consider giving informative information such as, “I can play 60 percent of these songs on ukulele (just please don’t test me because I can only play the first four).”