Prospective student stuns all, parades as coffee bean

Prospective student Andy Daniels showed up to campus decked out in full-on coffee bean regalia. However, Daniels failed to do the proper research beforehand and was dismayed to find out that the school mascot actually refers to beer brewing and not coffee brewing. Daniels quickly became the laughing stock of the entire school./ Courtesy of Samana Shrestha

With May 1 rapidly approaching, another cycle of the ceaseless pageantry and competition that is the college admissions process draws to a close. Admitted applicants now enter the stage of deciding whether Vassar will be their home, and many individuals have begun feeling the pressures of establishing their identities at a highly selective, coeducational liberal arts college nestled in the heart of the scenic Hudson Valley. One prospective student, Andy Daniel from Michigan, went so far as to dress as a coffee bean for admitted students day to differentiate himself from the pack.

“I wanted to show I was excited about Vassar. I should’ve Googled what kind of brewer they meant,” said Daniel.

Student hosts for the weekend politely ignored Daniel’s decision, working hard to make him feel comfortable despite the unwieldy foam costume.

“It was pretty inconvenient. Especially when he’d sit in the front row. No one could see around the top half of his bean. Also, the foam made weird noises,” said one volunteer.

During the lunch break, Daniel attempted to change out of his bulky bean suit. This proved more difficult than expected. “The zipper stuck, and I couldn’t get out,” said Daniel.

Forced to wear the costume that was supposed to demonstrate a strong interest in the school, Daniel continued on dressed as a large bean.

“It was especially embarrassing in the lecture about the history of the college and Matthew Vassar’s personal life. They went pretty in-depth about how he built up his father’s beer brewing company and used the money to start the school. I should’ve known he brewed beer. Who makes an entire business just brewing coffee?” said Daniel.

The admissions office released a statement saying that they won’t revoke Daniel’s offer of admission, but will be monitoring students who visit the school in costume in the coming academic year.

“The student we want picks a costume that reflects an integral part of our culture as a highly selective, coeducation liberal arts college in the heart of the scenic Hudson Valley. We don’t require a costume as part of the application process, but anyone who chooses to wear one should do research in advance,” the admissions statement read.

Not all Vassar employees were as befuddled by Daniel’s costume choice.

“It’s time the importance of coffee was acknowledged by academia,” said Matthew’s Bean night manager Michele Hammon ’21. “We all know people live off caffeine. Finally, it’s getting its moment in the spotlight. Little known fact: Matthew Vassar’s father intended to brew himself a comforting pot of coffee instead of that first batch of beer. Coffee was so new to Europeans back then that he just didn’t realize he was doing it wrong. No one on campus talks about that story—it needs to get out there and be told. Coffee made Vassar!”

While the admissions office refused to comment on what James Vassar meant to brew the first time he brewed beer, they pointed out that caffeine addiction is a ubiquitous and disturbing trend in society, and not specific to the workings of this highly selective, coeducational liberal arts college nestled in the heart of the scenic Hudson Valley.

“When we meet an applicant, we want to know they aren’t just hedging their bets. We want to know they’re excited to be here. A student could wear the same foam coffee bean costume to any college and talk about how big a role caffeine plays at any college anywhere in the country. We want to know why we’re special,” the admissions department wrote in a separate statement.

Hot on the heels of his embarrassing visit, Daniel was finally able to choose a place to matriculate.

“I’ll go to Williams,” Daniel said, “I nailed it there in my purple cow costume.”

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