I promise I thought of a profound, world-changing article

Our inside sources have revealed that Mark Zuckerburg is in cahoots with Google. He has been found smuggling Humor articles from unsuspecting staff writers at The Miscellany News. His motives are still unclear at the moment, but we are desperately searching for answers./ Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

With exams looming in the near future and the school year coming to a close, everything for everyone is fine. It’s FINE. Everything is perfect, there’s nothing wrong, we’re all doing well. An important part of doing so well for me is managing my time effectively, including thinking up poignant, biting articles to add dimension to reporting of our collegiate life by The Miscellany News. Naturally, I thought up a great article for this week. It had everything— Deece jokes, Founder’s Day jokes, ResLife jokes, summer internship jokes, “what happens once we graduate” jokes, plus jokes about classes, dorm room art, Tumblr, orgs, other schools and more. I carefully crafted a resounding criticism of the institutional structures that be while also maintaining an introspective element that allows readers to understand and critique our own responses to deficiency in a constructive way, and I was totally going to publish it.

I can’t find the file though. I write these in Google Docs, so it’s pretty weird that it just straight up disappeared, but I guess that’s life. I wish I could describe to you what reading this article would be like. I guess I can try though. It would be like looking into your soul and finding everything you loved and also everything you weren’t so excited about from fifth grade there, but everything you loved is everything you’re not so excited about now and everything you weren’t so excited about then is everything you love now and you’d have been like “WHOA! Who’d ever have guessed? The world is a crazy place.”

The world is indeed a crazy place—a crazy enough place to just lose the Google Doc I spent seven whole days meticulously crafting—writing and rewriting until it possessed the perfect mix of sarcasm and gravitas. I guess that’s just where we are in Society today. I wish it were different, but we’re all human. Well, Google Docs isn’t, but it’s made by humans, so isn’t it kind of human? The answer to that question was actually in the article I wrote. It solved the issues of Corporate Personhood and the moral grey areas behind advancing artificial intelligence in one witty swoop, painting a comprehensive picture of what it means to be human that would have had you laughing and crying and crying at your own laughing.

Unfortunately, I can’t find the article, but I promise I wrote it and did a great job. If only it could be published, things would be different. There isn’t much point in hoping that it’ll pop up, or going back through my “Misc. News Articles” folder or even checking my browsing history to see if I opened that file in the past week. It’s all futile. We’ll just never know the brilliant witticisms I used to deconstruct patriarchy, cisgender patriarchy, cis-hetero patriarchy, cis-hetero male patriarchy, cis-hetero classist male patriarchy, cis-hetero classist Christian male patriarchy, not to mention cis-hetero classist white Christian male patriarchy. They would all be entirely abolished because this one trans*, white writer took them on in an article for his college’s newspaper. I really have let you all down in not publishing it, but I definitely, completely wrote it all the way to end, including the middle and the beginning. Shouldn’t that count for something?

In my opinion, it counts for a lot. If I ever find that article, I’ll try to get it published as soon as possible. It might be hard because not everyone can handle The Truth, especially when someone is Telling It Like It Is. That’s just the world we live in, I guess. It’s fine. It’s FINE. I’m just going to go back to my wildly organized paper research and writing schedule, all of which are being finished on time like the article I wrote for this issue. I hope I don’t lose my class work in Google Docs too, because I am writing a paper for my Russian History class that blows the lid off totalitarianism through a rigorous examination of all the sources for which I have definitely collected and created a bibliography for. It’d be a shame to deprive the world of that brilliant piece of writing as well, but considering how great things are going despite this one small slip-up, I think I’ll be fine. I’ll be FINE.

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