Dear Mice of Main,
How do I have an orgy outside? I want to get in at least 15 minutes of vitamin D a day, but I’m unsure about the logistics. I want to find a spot where no one will see me and I won’t have to worry about bugs crawling all over me.
—I’m Outdoor-gy
Dear Outdoor-gy,
Our first thought is the sex tree on Joss Beach. We’re unsure about the bug situation, so put on some insect repellent before starting. Just make sure you don’t get it on places where people’s mouths will be; you don’t want to accidentally poison one of your partners. The other issue with Joss Beach is that you have to plan the orgy around Quidditch practice. You can also take into account what the orgy members are majoring in. Econ orgies should take place exclusively in the Blodgett courtyard, while environmental science majors have first dibs on the farm. Make sure you’re prepared in case anyone happens to walk by and wants to join in. Take the entire bag of condoms from a student fellow’s door.
Dear Mice of Main,
I just realized that summer is less than a month away, and I barely have any plans. How do I find an internship or job? Or can I just shirk all responsibilities and spend the entire summer working on my lesbian screenplay?
—Summertime Sadness
Dear Summertime Sadness,
We love the idea of a lesbian screenplay. There are not enough out there. We’ll help you get started; here is our idea. It’s slightly based off of “She’s the Man,” the iconic, Oscar-winning movie that inspired all of Shakespeare’s works. Let’s set the scene. A young woman is starting a career in STEM, but she isn’t receiving the raises and promotions that her male peers are. She has a job interview coming up, and she decides that she’ll pretend to be a man for the interview to see if that will result in her getting the job and earning better pay. It works, and on her first day, she meets a stunning coworker. Hijinks ensue, and there are obstacles to them getting together, but ultimately the two women fall in love and live happily ever after while also receiving a Nobel prize for their groundbreaking research. As excited as we are to be the producers of your amazing movie, if you do want to actually make some money this summer, we recommend finding a job at your local ice cream parlor. By the end of the summer, you’ll have some money and one incredibly strong forearm. It will come in handy when you’re trying to impress the girls by crushing a tennis ball in your hand.
Dear Mice of Main,
A lot of people have commented on how great my girlfriend’s butt is; however, I don’t see it. What makes her butt so great? Should I tell her that I don’t think she has a good butt?
—Believably Bootylicious
Dear Believably Bootylicious,
It’s important to remember that having a “good butt” is all about how much one’s butt aligns with traditional standards of beauty propagated by patriarchy. For example, you often hear terms like “bubble butt” used to describe ideal butt types. We are extremely disappointed that we can’t inspect your girlfriend’s butt and help you decipher the different curvatures and nuances. However, it is important to mention that if you want to consensually slap it or grab it, then you probably do think her butt is rad. If you still dislike her butt upon further inspection, then you may want to figure out if you find other people’s butts attractive. We suggest spending your afternoon in the College Center on the lookout for butts. While it might become tiresome and emotionally draining, remember to stay vigilant! If you end up with bupkis, do not be alarmed. Butts are used for squeezing out poop and as padding to keep you comfortable while sitting in the Deece for eight hours straight. So it’s understandable why they might not grind your gears. On an unrelated note, what’s your girlfriend’s number?