Horoscopes– 5/10

Aries

The stars tell me one of your family members is coming to help you pack. Remember to take the flogger down from its place of honor above your bed unless you want your mom to know just how kinky you are!

Taurus

You may be feeling scared to poop in a public restroom this week. If you get shy, I suggest making a loud farting noise with your mouth to distract from the sounds of your bowels. You don’t want to be like me, who didn’t poop for an entire week at summer camp and couldn’t get off the toilet when I got home.

Gemini

Now’s the time to let loose and be a diva! Put on those knee-high boots and fishnets to help you stop crying over the impending doom that is finals. Hopefully you don’t tear them and then really have a meltdown.

Cancer

With finals approaching, it may—ahhhhhhh HELP it’s a GIANT MONSTER DESTROYING THE LIBRARY!!! I CAN NEVER RETURN TO STUDYING!!!! As this is what I dreamt last night, I recommend never going to the library. In order to be perfectly safe, you shouldn’t even study.

Leo

Do you still have glitter in your hair, bed and underwear or deep inside your ear canal? Well, if you responded yes, I still can’t hear you because glitter has been continuously pouring out of my ears. If you are experiencing something similar, I suggest calling EMS or your mother to check it out.

Virgo

As it’s almost the end of the year, now is the time to prank your roommate. You could “accidentally” spill your leftover glitter in their bed, replace their shampoo with the red hair dye you’ve yet to use or leave their underwear scattered in the Deece.

Libra

There are only 221 hours left that you can spend at the Deece before school ends. The stars indicate that this will not be enough time for you to make the most out of the dining plan. In order to get in those extra couple hours, I recommend sneaking into UpC and staying the night.

Scorpio

As a water sign, you may be feeling drawn toward swimming this week. Instead of doing laps in the pool, consider more fun ways to get wet! You can fill up a kiddie pool purchased from Target, take a dip in Sunset Lake or clog the drain in your shower.

Sagittarius

You may be thinking that it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I would agree. The petals falling from the trees look a lot like snowflakes, and we are receiving an awesome present: the end of the semester. So start singing “Deck the Halls” and “Jingle Bells” to show your spirit.

Capricorn

With the year coming to a close, you can celebrate by having a formal dress-up dinner at the Deece with your friends! Just make sure to go early and place a “reserved” sign with real silverware on the table you want!

Aquarius

With so little time left in the school year, you need to eat all of the food you have left over in you room. You could have your entire friend group come over, and you can see who can fit the most Oreos in their mouth at once!

Pisces

If you have to fart, don’t push it, because it might come out as a poop. The last thing you want to have to do is admit that you pooped your pants as an adult. If it does happen, hopefully you’ll have some kind friends who will help you wash out your panties.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.