Wannabe grad shares future plans

Even though I still have three years left in college, I have a bunch of plans after graduation. First, I’m going to drop acid, snort heroin and drink crack because I won’t have any studying left to do. Next, I will sleep on my friends’ couches (without paying rent) for about 10 years to save up money while I work as an oracle. I was born with the rare gift of psychic abilities, so I am one of the lucky ones who will be able to find employment.

In my spare time I plan to break world records, such as longest eyelashes and most underwear worn at once. After I break these records, I will mark my territory in every state by peeing on the state flower. I must admit, though, I’m slightly worried about peeing in Arizona because their state flower is a cactus. How long do you think it’ll take to heal if I get stabbed down there?

My friends will inevitably get fed up with my horrible cooking and sign me up for “Worst Cooks in America,” which I will win because I can’t even make myself grilled cheese at the Deece. Once I am rich with all of my winnings and fame, my friends will kick me off of their couches and force me to pay rent. At this point in my life I will return to school with the ultimate goal of joining the CIA (the Culinary Institute of America). After graduating from the CIA, I will become a world-renowned chef. Ideally, my rags to riches story will be picked up by Netflix, and I’ll help produce a movie based on my life.

Once I turn 35, my only option left will be to run for President of the United States. I will easily win in a landslide victory because by this time in history, women will rule the world. Drunk with power and control, I will transform the United States government into a dictatorship. Unfortunately, the world will heat up to a point where all land masses are deep under the sea, and I will be forced to rebuild America underwater. All of the Jonas Brothers’ predictions from their song “Year 3000” will come true and yes, your great-great-great-granddaughter is doing fine.

As I reign over Wet America, I will thank Vassar for my liberal arts education. Not only will I understand the economic side of running Wet America, but I will also be able to write detailed reports, discuss medieval manuscripts in dead languages and work out the physics to catapult people out of Wet America. When I am able to throw down some sick dance moves at a formal Gala, I will be incredibly thankful for my time dancing to “Fergalicious” with Vass Shakers. One of my greatest accomplishments will be outdoing beloved Meryl Streep as the college’s favorite alumna.

Despite the fact that Vassar will be permanently destroyed due to the high water levels, we will always remember Vassar as a highly selective, coeducational liberal arts college nestled in the heart of the scenic Hudson Valley. Thnks fr th mmrs!

While your life after graduation might be full of real jobs, financial security, family and hopefully fun, you may never get a Wikipedia page like I will, and that’s fine. It’s okay to be a small person. Maybe you’ll only become the CEO of your own startup or a doctor in a Manhattan hospital. Don’t feel bad about your small life achievements, like graduating college, getting a job and becoming a real adult.

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