Humor Desk serves up first-year handbook

1. Do befriend the ghosts that haunt your room. I suggest investing in a Ouija board to help you start off on a good foot with your extra roommate. I can tell you from experience that you don’t want your relationship with your not-so-friendly-ghost to begin with pictures “falling” off of your wall, your lights suspiciously dimming and finding yourself locked in your room. Ghosts stick around because they have unfinished business on Earth. I suggest figuring out what holds them here and completing their mission so you both don’t spend the year in misery and trapped in your room. Even if that means sacrificing a womp-womp or participating in Senior Streak as a first-year, it’s worth it.

2. Explore the Shakespeare Garden in the dead of night. You will not be terrified and accidentally wet yourself.

3. Go to the library on the first day. Alone. I guarantee you that it will be the least crowded you will ever see it. You could probably talk in your outdoor voice and no one would care. If you really want to get crazy, you could even eat a messy snack, like a Nature Valley granola bar, without the nagging fear of being reprimanded.

4. Write for the humor section (or any section really) of the Misc. It’s an amazing feeling to see your words published on real paper! It can even be a useful piece in a job application, unless you exclusively write about orgies and orgasms.

5. Read your weekly horoscope in the Misc. I can guarantee you that they are 100 percent accurate and provide great advice. Also, I hear that the astrologist is pretty cute and takes bribes in food form.

6. The ideal time to nap in the Deece is from about 8 p.m. until 10 p.m. This is when there is the smallest number of students in the Deece, making it easy to snag a booth in a back corner and discreetly snooze. The best part is that if you wake up and your day still sucks, you can fill up on ice cream, which is scientifically proven to make you happier.

7. Everyone says that you should only sign up for a couple of email lists, but I wholeheartedly disagree. It’s more work to figure out how to sign up mid-year, and it’s super easy to be taken off an email list. Basically what I’m saying is that there is no good reason not to sign up to be on the humor email list for the Misc.

8. Leaving milk (that might have been thieved from the Deece) in a water bottle for an extended period of time in high heat creates a really unfortunate stench. It also renders crappy, yet free water bottles unusable if you didn’t already break the lid.

9. Alcohol is a social lube. So if you ever find yourself in a sticky situation, such as in a high-speed chase with the police, crack open a cold one and even offer some open containers to the police officers. I’m sure everything will be smoothed over.

10. Pudding is very addictive. Try it once, and there is no going back. When you hit three cups a day you should probably start going to PA. Not Pennsylvania, but rather Pudding-Eaters Anonymous.

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