Horoscopes 9/20

Aries

When you try your best and you don’t succeed, or you don’t try at all and you still don’t succeed, just NRO the class and you’ll succeed. If it’s really bad, and you’re failing all of your classes, you’re still fine because you have four NROs.

Taurus

Reading things out loud makes them funny. For example, read this out loud: “bloopy bloopy poopy poopy don’t kill Snoopy.” Now say, “all praise Overlord Hannah. All praise Overlord Hannah. All praise Overlord Hannah.”

Gemini

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. Except for me. I scream because I am overwhelmed and I want to cry or just give up on wearing clothes, but I can’t show weakness. If we collectively scream while in the ice cream line at the Deece, no one will even know that we’re stressed.

Cancer

Do you often feel lonely? You know what would help? Having a friend sleep over in your bed. Or a stranger, like me. Equally good options. But I’m not really a stranger, am I? You read my work every week in order to learn more and more about me. You’re in love. Makes sense.

Leo

Sometimes I wish it wasn’t Elmo’s World. It should be Hannah’s World. I want to color with crayons. You want me to color with crayons. Screw Elmo. Create a petition to make Hannah’s World the new Elmo’s World.

Virgo

It’s really hard to remember your class schedule or even what classes you’re taking. If anyone ever asks, just make them up and work on your BS skills. I like to tell people I take dinosaur lessons. Most of the time I can’t even remember my major, so don’t feel bad.

Libra

I don’t know about you, but I love to sit in the darkness. My favorite time to sit in the darkness is when I’m taking a poop. I can blindly wipe my butt and smear poop all over my hand. Similarly, I loved trying to find my way out once when someone turned off the lights after my pee audibly hit the water. Consider doing the same for others! We all need the extra challenge in life.

Scorpio

I like to eat, eat, eat, apples and bananas. I also like to eat, eat, eat, pasta and children. I worry you’re concerned that I’m a cannibal. No need to worry, I’m not a cannibal because I’m not human. So, it’s all okay. I’m trusting you with a secret; however, if you tell anyone, I will obliterate you.

Sagittarius

You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch. Don’t be Mr. Grinch, or any type of Grinch, for any reason this week. However, if you were the Grinch version of a cute kitty, I guess that would be okay. I love kitties. To be honest, I sometimes worry that in 30 years it’ll just be me and my seven cats. I want love.

Capricorn

Every time I see the word “Capricorn,” I accidentally read it as “candy corn.” I like to base my horoscopes off of what I think happens to my little candy corns every week. This week you should cannibalize.

Aquarius

It’s time to put up your sex lights. You know the ones. They provide just enough light that you won’t chip teeth when going in for the kiss, but they don’t show everything. Even if you’re not into the sex or don’t have someone to do the sex with, they provide great lighting for seances.

Pisces

Eat. Sleep. Repeat. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzxdfcgvhbjknlh’o;p’f;HGfls/dk.fjs,dahmsgnFBSDVDXGSVHBHJBFAKDHJSOGKMHDL

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