Deece-ent advice from some halfway Deece-ent students

Unicyclers are joining the Seven Wonders of the World in place of the Great Pyramid of Giza. If you are a unicycler or know one, beware. Preliminary statistics say it’ll take hours to go four blocks. Courtesy of Keesler Air Force Base.

Dear Deece-ent,

The card reader for the laundry room stopped working, but I had to do my laundry immediately since I had already worn all my underwear twice (once the right way and once inside out). I carried all of my dirty laundry to three different dorms until I found a working card reader. In the process, I think I lost some of my clothes—it seems as though a couple pairs of my underwear are missing, along with a few shirts and socks. How do I go about getting back my clothing?

—Airing My Dirty Laundry

Dear Airing My Dirty Laundry,

Start scanning Free & For Sale. Over the next few weeks, you may see people offering to sell clothes that look suspiciously similar to yours. Ask to go and try on the underwear, and if it fits, then either it’s yours and you can buy it back from them, or this means that you’re the one who left the pair of underwear at Raymond Under the Stars and the princess of Genovia Anne Hathaway is searching for you in order to return your underwear. Reach out to Anne over social media and introduce yourself as the one who left their pink polka-dotted underwear at the ball. She’ll know what you’re talking about and will immediately set up a time to meet with you. This is your moment to woo the princess of a fake European country, so you’ll have to look your absolute best. Have one of your friends give you a haircut at 3 a.m. to make sure it’s looking fresh, bathe in Sunset Lake and then get dressed in the cutest outfit you own: a camo jumpsuit. Wear the underwear on the outside of your clothes so that the second she sees you she knows you’re telling the truth about being her true love. Please invite us to the wedding, but only if Julie Andrews RSVPs yes.

Dear Deece-ent,

I recently decided to pursue my one true passion: I am starting an ant farm that, by the end of the year, will cover the entirety of my room with pipes for their habitat. I’m excited about this project, especially because I didn’t think I would figure out my passion so early into my first year of college. My roommate doesn’t understand my vision and has an unreasonable fear that the ants will escape and crawl into her mouth when she sleeps. This is ridiculous, as anyone who knows anything about insectology knows that ants would be more likely to crawl into your nose or ears. How do I convince my roommate to let me follow my dreams?

—They’re Not Creepy, Just Crawly

Dear Not Creepy, Just Crawly,

As excited as we are about you discovering your dream of creating a giant, intricate ant farm, we think that your roommate may have a point. Even if they don’t fully understand into which crevices ants prefer to crawl, you still need to respect their wishes to not have ants anywhere near them. If you think that this is something on which you and your roommate can compromise, then start by taking turns presenting how you feel. Maybe your roommate will show you that episode of “Arthur” where he buys an ant farm and all the ants escape, which results in him having to lay traps to catch all of them. Your roommate may make the point that if this can happen to an aardvark, this could also happen to you. In response, you can look into the multitude of studies that show having insects in your life greatly improves your health and happiness, and maybe your roommate will respond well to that. Or show them “The Ant Bully.”

Dear Deece-ent,

Two days a week, I have to get from Skinner to Kenyon in 15 minutes, and so far I have barely been able to make it to my second class in time. I don’t want to get a reputation as the person who is always late. Is there a faster way to get around campus?


Dear Sweaty,

I’m so glad you asked this. We get a lot of random-ass questions here, so it’s nice to finally be able to give some actually helpful advice. Lucky for you, I’ve thought about this a lot, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the best way to traverse the campus is via Heelys. My first thought was a unicycle, but I realized that wouldn’t be the best because a lot of people would end up stopping you along the way to class to tell you how cool they think you are. While that self-esteem boost would be greatly appreciated, you just don’t have that kind of time. Now I know what you’re thinking—“Oh, come on, Heelys aren’t even that much faster than speed walking”—but that’s why you have to take a page out of good ol’ Marty McFly’s book (from the hit 1980s film “Back to the Future”) and grab onto the back of a vehicle, like a Campus Security car, to get the speed boost you desire. Once you’re comfortable with that, you can get more creative with it by grabbing a rope and turning it into more of a wakeboarding-type situation and doing some tricks. The worst that’ll happen is you get injured, and in that case it won’t even matter that you’re late to class because you’ll have a trip to the hospital as a nice handy excuse.

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