Stressed student decides to declare all majors at Vassar

Courtesy of Frank.

For some, picking a major is as simple as telling everyone they’re pre-med all the time. For others, it’s an edifying journey filled with self-discovery and joy. For sophomore Eddie Turner, it’s a blank on the form he’s desperately trying to complete while he finishes his application to go abroad.

“I think I can figure it out and everything. I just have to pick between math, education, film, physics, drama and poli sci,” said Turner, “and I think I want a creative writing correlate, but I’m not sure about that yet.”

Turner’s pre-major advisor, Urban Studies Professor Dwayne Giles, worries a little bit about his advisee’s ability to make a definitive choice.

“Eddie seems to be unable to settle on anything. I told him the idea of declaring a major is to simply dig deeply into one area of study in order to prove to the whole entire world that that’s your life passion, and you’re never going to read about or learn or talk about anything else for the whole rest of your life. It’s not that huge of a deal,” said Giles.

Following the advice of his peers, Turner sat down with the course catalogue to figure out what classes he would need to take and when in order to graduate in each of his majors of interest.

“Ok, so I can take Film 210 next fall and 211 next spring. That’s only 9 more credits to a film major, but I need the full 11 if I want to throw English in there. I’m still not sure when I’d take africana studies 100 for the major, and that’s also an 11-credit requirement, so I’d have to figure out what could work for that and physics, which is definitely on the list. I’m not sure there are very many courses that could count toward both, though. If I could find a way to work astronomy in, too, that would be ideal, but that’s 10 units. Looks like Spring 2019 is going to be pretty crowded, I guess,” muttered Turner to himself in the library.

Eventually crossing music major off the list since he hadn’t played an instrument since a kindergarten recorder performance, Turner counted up the units he’d need to complete the college’s remaining majors. “So if I did all of the majors beginning with A, that’s only 77 credits, and I have five more semesters. I think I could overload and get it all done by 2021,” said Turner.

After a trip to the Dean of Studies office, Turner was disappointed to find that the college only provides forms for students seeking to double major.

“I think I’ll probably just white it out and copy it for as many majors as I want,” said Turner. “I can make a compelling case for why I need to major in geography, women’s studies, religion, Victorian studies and neuroscience.”

After receiving what became a 95-page petition to major in everything, Vassar College released a statement explaining their reasoning behind asking students to pick no more than two areas of study and a correlate. “Even we don’t want your money that badly, Eddie,” the official statement read. “You have to graduate. Go get a life and a job and then donate like everyone else.”

Undeterred, Turner presented what he claims to be a reasonable schedule to complete every course of study in five semesters. “I’ll have class from 9 a.m. until 10 p.m. and just never sleep, and that’ll just be how my life is,” said Turner. “That way, I don’t miss out on anything, and I can do everything and never have made a difficult decision or regret my choices.”

Finally sick of arguing about it, Vassar administrators decided to just let Turner do whatever he wants. “He’ll fail eventually, and that’s really the best way to learn that this is ridiculous,” said the College. At press time, Turner was seen at the Registrar’s Office carrying six boxes of Add/Drop forms in preparation for his coming semesters.

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