Guilt-tripper uses family weekend to obtain room decor

Pictured above is a classified Vassar College document from planning All Families Weekend. If you look closely, you can see malicious scheming, such as the limited-time quality food guarantee. Courtesy of Frank.

Vassar All Families Weekend just wrapped up, and I must say that it was a resounding success! I mean, Vassar really nailed the two core concepts of this past weekend. First thing is that it was definitely the weekend; you just can’t argue with that. I mean what, is someone going to tell you that this wasn’t a Friday night, followed by a full Saturday and the first half of Sunday? That would be ludicrous! Because that is the exact time frame during which this weekend event took place.

Second, there were families! That’s another check mark in the list of requirements. The students were indeed visited by blood relatives or legal members of their family trees, or at least people with whom they have strong emotional bonds who have pivotal stake in their life. You just can’t disagree with these wins. The local events really tied a ribbon around a fantastic weekend.

What would a family weekend be without weekend activities? The Arlington Street Fair was also a resounding success. How can we as students expect to have a fun weekend and be required to spend our own money?! That’s why you set up a street fair at the same time the adults with money visit, and everything falls into place. Just imagine:

“Dad/Mom/Parental Figure, I really missed you.”

“Oh, I missed you too. What a great time we are having!”

“WOAH look at that neat wall art for sale that I don’t need but can’t live without. I sure hope I can have it, since it would be a shame if this whole weekend was ruined!”

“OH gosh, yes of course!”

Bam. Nailed it.

Let’s not get bogged down in the simple and materialistic stuff, folks. It’s also important to bond. That’s why Vassar set up a stunning performance by the local circus group The Barefoot Monkeys. We all love the circus, and we all love gasoline and fire. So of course, this is a great event for a beautiful Saturday night with your family!

Yes, maybe the overtly sexual songs just one notch below Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” that played during the performance seemed a bit awkward for an event to which you brought your parents. But how else would you explain to your parents that the student you’ve been staring at dreamily as he runs across the lawn with fire in his hands isn’t just a nice guy in your English class? And how are you supposed to bond with his parents unless they capitalize on this moment by approaching the aforementioned nice guy, going, “Do I hear wedding bells!?” while giggling after the performance. This is absolutely the kind of memory that you need to make now! Wait any longer, and your mom won’t have time to rehearse this story to tell your entire family on Thanksgiving.

The most important thing to remember is what truly brings a family together: tragedy. If you’re looking for that, then search no further than one of our women’s rugby games. I hadn’t seen this big a massacre in a field since the first “Friday the 13th” movie. What better family bonding time than watching another college get pounded into the dirt by some of the sweetest people you know, who apparently turn into Mr. Hyde once you put a jersey and two goal posts between them? I mean, by God, our women’s rugby team is so destructive that I hear they’ve been cast as the replacements for all of the Avengers in the next Marvel movie, as they have a better chance of beating Thanos.

So remember to spend that special time with your family when they do get to visit! Because then when you accidentally post a picture on IG of you drinking from a bottle with half of your economics class, they’ll at least know that you don’t drink every weekend. You managed to avoid it for three days while they were here, at least.

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