Horoscopes

Aries

According to my mother, cacti are the sign that you are in a “weed clan.” If you want to show your clan affiliation I suggest wearing cactus necklaces like my sister does. If jewelry isn’t your thing, I can permanently tattoo your clan’s cactus on your butt. I haven’t tattooed anyone before, so it’ll be an experience for all of us.

 

Taurus

I don’t get how some women look so put together in airports with perfectly curled hair and six-inch heels. I show up with my underwear inside out and bloodshot eyes. I twist my ankle while staggering through security in sneakers while all of my ecstasy spills out of my quart-sized liquids baggie.

 

Gemini

Isn’t skin weird? It’s this strange elastically leather stuff that holds all of your blood and bones in. Would we be soup without it? The stars suggest that, in order to satiate your curiosity about skin, you should brutally murder your lover after you catch them cheating, then peel off their skin to figure out who they really are inside.

 

Cancer

Now that we have crisp fall weather, you can finally put away your army of fans. While it might be a whirlwind, you’ll be happy once it’s done. Afterward, you’ll be too exhausted to put away your summer clothes. That’s totally fair! The stars recommend wearing only your bathing suit outside.

 

Leo

Drinking solves all of my problems in life, like my terrible driving ability and my math homework problems. I no longer have to any homework because other people have started to do everything for me. I know you’re jealous.

 

Virgo

I don’t know how I feel about getting emails. Are they actually important? What makes something important? What is a thing? Are they tangible? Why does -gible even mean? Who am I? How big is the universe? How many bodies do I sleep on? Did dinosaurs have names for each other? Why is there no place to fill up your 40L water bottle in the Deece without angering everyone behind you? Think about these “things.”

 

Libra

I thought of an amazing business plan that I can’t wait to pitch to the sharks in the tank. I will sell poop popsicles made from healthy people’s poop. Apparently healthy people’s poops contain important microorganisms and bacteria that can actually cure disease. The slogan: Sometimes life just gives you a lot of crap.  

 

Scorpio

Did you know that eating too many vegetables (especially spinach) turns your poop green? Green poop seems like the epitome of unnatural and unhealthy, so the stars advise you to never eat any and all vegetables. Treat them like they are your deadbeat dad who stole your life’s savings and is now vacationing in Cabo.   

 

Sagittarius

Sometimes I really need to go to the bathroom but I’m too lazy to get out of my bed. I seriously consider just letting the water flow because I’m so warm and cozy. If you have similar uncontrollable urges, then consider this: you will probably have to clean your sheets. Or just pee away, and don’t wash ’em. Be lazy.

 

Capricorn

Here’s a horoscope sent in from my grandpa: “Back in my day, I couldn’t get enough of college. That’s actually where I met your grandma. College is an important time in your life to learn and grow. It’s too bad that this is the only time in your life that’ll you’ll be able to afford housing.”

 

Aquarius

I know it’s been hard to be alone during break. You’ve been worrying about intruders, people peeping through your keyhole and how your parents were already living together at your age. If I were on that schedule, I would be married in two years and having children in five. HELP. I don’t even have a significant other.

 

Pisces

“I’m singing in the rain, just singing in the rain.” Now I’m just wet and my throat is scratchy. I slosh in my shoes as I walk to my four-hour lab. *squeak squeak* Maybe I should get an umbrella or a rain jacket. Can I borrow your umbrella? If you see me looking like a puddle, then please come save me.

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