College. It’s a wild, lawless place. It’s a time when you find yourself. Work hard. Play hard. Get that degree. Make those thousands of dollars of tuition money worth it. It’s where you go to make those forever friends, forge professional connections and possibly find that special someone. I know what you’re thinking, though. Finding out who you are as a person can be tough. I get it. I’ve been there. I’m here to tell you, though, that it doesn’t have to be a difficult and confusing winding path of confusion and failure anymore! I can put all of your worries to rest, for I have experienced every possible college personality for the sake of all my fellow college students. Scientists have conducted experiments, recorded results and ranked possible personalities on a comprehensive scale from one to ten. There’s really no need to thank me; I did it for the greater good of the general college population. You’re all welcome in advance.
1. The cowboy: Yeehaw. The general lack of cows on college campuses is upsetting; the students and faculty do not seem to enjoy being lassoed from long distances without warning. I tried corralling the Street Eats truck, but it wasn’t the same. Using a longboard is NOT equivalent to riding a horse. There are no steam trains to rob. Plus, the chaps are extremely chafe-y. Yee-haw? More like yee-naw. 4/10 stars.
2. The squirrel: Not a bad life. Have you ever wanted to be a squirrel? Hanging out in trees, collecting nuts, going through garbage cans, chewing on random objects, chasing other squirrels around trees, messing up the local energy grid. Does a diet of nuts and fruits and the odd Domino’s pizza crust sound scrumptious? It’s surprisingly healthy and good for the physique. You could pick a favorite hangout (e.g. a tree), but squirrel hands would probably be more useful than meaty human hands for climbing. For me, getting down from said tree also proved to be difficult. However, the life of a college squirrel is extremely pleasant. Only minor drawbacks have been observed. 8/10 stars.
3. The ’90s surfer boy: We’re just blonde boys doin’ what blonde boys do. Chillin’ out, maxin’ relaxin’ all cool! We’re just blonde boys doin’ what blonde boys do! I’m Tommy! I’m Ethan! And I’m Jerome! Here’s a one-way ticket to the blonde boy zone! 1/10 stars
4. The hunter-gatherer: Ever feel like there’s just no point? Ever ask yourself, “What am I doing?” Not me. I am here to build more huts than my rival. Then I will steal his wives. 7/10 stars.
5. The mattress: Did you ever wonder why they call it memory foam? Not because of its polyurethane framework, as well as the additional chemicals increasing its viscosity and density. That’s not it, you silly, silly goose. It’s because it remembers things. It’s never going to forget. It knows what you did. 2/10 stars.
6. The desktop: One day I’m going to be a computer. It’s immortal, gets to beep, smells like knowledge in there, has Microsoft Excel. It’s already started. There’s nothing ANYONE can do to stop me. 9.5/10 stars.
7. The impossible standard: Perfect attendance. Perfect grades.Perfectly sound in both mind and body. Cries a normal amount. Participates in three clubs. Student-athlete. Runs a nonprofit. Model UN. Healthy diet. Friendly. Likes people. Financially stable. Has a dog. I could keep this up for half a second (I cried during “Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again” while writing this.) Truly tragic. 2/10 stars.
8. The iPhone X: I already feel very much like an iPhone X. Poor facial recognition software, sucky battery life, very delicate, stops working when thrown in water, buggy. 1/10 stars.
9. The Mii: Incredible. Life-changing. I could run around a room with odd, hazy boundaries in a cone-shaped ensemble and ball feet. I could space out my eyes so far it’s like they had different postcodes. I could be the size of a WWE fighter or a three-year-old child. I only communicate in squeaks and individual tones. Time doesn’t pass. I could be in the same space as Mii Jesse McCartney and Mii Benjamin Franklin. In my opinion, the ultimate lifestyle. 10/10 stars.
10. The student with a stable future: Huh? What? 1/10 stars.