[TW: This article mentions suicidal ideation.]
Hello, and congratulations from the current Vassar student body! We would like to once again welcome you to the Class of 2023!
This is a follow-up to the acceptance letter you received. We are so glad you made it through the application process, and we hope you choose to enroll at our prodigious institution. We also wanted to share some exciting news we recently received that may be of interest to you as you consider your options.
If you’ve already toured Vassar, you probably know that the campus hosts the highest concentration of Steinway pianos in the world. The tour guides love to toss out that quirky little factoid as they lead you through the idyllic residential quad, walking backward and reciting their carefully tuned scripts. “That’s wild!” you may have thought, “So many pianos in one spot!”
Well, there are a myriad of curious things about Vassar College. In fact, I’d bet that you didn’t know that in addition to Steinway pianos, Vassar College hosts the highest concentration of Underworld Entrances! That’s right! We are proud to announce that we recently achieved this astounding feat after one of our students accidentally opened up yet another gate when they took one for the team and ventured too far into the dirt pit in the basement of Raymond House, one of our nine residential halls. The other entrances include the printer room in Strong House, where the heat is so intense that only the bravest can sprint in to retrieve their papers; the basement of Blodgett, the oldest academic building on campus and the former site of a fallout shelter; and the Mug, a coffin-like room below Main House that is frequented by students on Friday and Saturday nights as they seek to escape the rigid bounds of their collegiate existence.
We’ve gotta say, this addition has been necessary for a while now; the other passages were becoming intolerably congested. The Blodgett entrance was not made for the volume of people traveling back and forth between the College and the Underworld. Not infrequently, students at their wit’s end have turned back at the sight of unbelievable foot traffic in Blodgett’s basement stairwell, abandoning their noble quest to bargain with the devil for that A+. Unbelievable! Thankfully, Raymond’s Dirt Pit boasts a novel quicksand-floo-powder-transporter method of supernatural travel. You step onto the soil, think of the devil or demon you wish to consult for emotional and/or academic support and BOOM! You’re meeting with your respective fiend in the gnawing, cavernous pit. Never has getting to the Underworld been so convenient! We, the student body, know that the “like a good neighbor, State Farm is there” system could NEVER equate.
How did Vassar College, you may ask, acquire such a large number of gateways to hell? We must be the envy of all the other schools! I mean, even the unruliest of the straight-laced Ivy Leagues has just one (1) gate to Hades, and that’s only because their inflated endowment allowed their president, an executive of the underworld, to purchase it (*cough*HARVARD*cough*). Vassar certainly doesn’t have that kind of endowment (or those kind of connections), right? Well, well, well, let us tell you, young admitted student, that your question is neglecting the simple truth of doors: They open both ways. Other schools could never offer the symbiotic relationship with hell that Vassar does. Even if other schools’ student bodies were as eager to descend into hell as Vassar’s is (which they aren’t), they could not appeal as greatly to the residents of the Underworld. No college is as strategically placed (did someone say the Scenic Hudson Valley?) or as ripe for paranormal infiltration as ours is. Vassar College is justifiably the best place for demons to cross over. Besides the positive effect that the increased visitation and tourism has on the Underworld’s greedy economy, the cluster of doorways on Vassar’s campus allows agents of Hades to pass into our world to execute their business. What with the 400 or so faculty that Vassar employs, we speculate, due to the ghoulish vibes we get from them, that a large portion of them could quite possibly be among the legion of the dead. We also believe that granting many citizens of hell unlimited access to students who consistently mumble “hit me” at passing cars is a fair trade for the access that the students need to seek supernatural aid in completing assignments and receiving extensions.
Class of 2023, the advantages of possessing such resources on a college campus are innumerable. We hope that you will choose Vassar as your undergraduate institution, so that you may explore all of these opportunities yourself.
Sincerely, Your Spooky Student Body