There is someone else at Vassar who has almost the exact same name as me, and I keep on getting their packages and emails. I’m getting tired of responding to every email to tell them that they’ve got the wrong person, and I keep on getting let down when I open a package and it isn’t for me. How do I inform people in one grand gesture that we are two different people?
—A Rose is Not a Rose
Dear A Rose is Not a Rose,
It sounds horrible to go through the excitement of opening a package just to find out that it isn’t for you. It must feel like the Grinch is coming down the chimney and stealing your Christmas. To make it known that you are different people, start by hanging a banner in the College Center. Petition the VSA for money to print this giant poster. They’ll say yes because this problem has escalated so much that it’s hurting the entire student body. If that falls through, stage a one-person show that details your entire life so no one can ever forget who you truly are. We recommend featuring a clip of your birth. We’ll be in the front row.
I may have gotten a little too wild over Halloweekend. I did something horribly embarrassing, and I feel like I might never be able to live it down. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but let’s just say it involved too much cheese, a crowded TA, my crush and an inhuman amount of vomit. How can I possibly get people to forget this ever happened and no longer be remembered for this unfortunate event?
Dear TA Troublemaker,
We’re a big fan of hiring a hypnotist (who doubles as a hit man), but if that’s not in your price range then you might have to DIY this fix. Get a friend to make an even bigger spectacle to wipe your embarrassing moment from everyone’s mind. This is also a sneaky way to find out who your true friends are. Another option is to throw your own party where you mix mustard with wine, just enough to make people feel a little queasy. Then break out the blue cheese plate. Record your friends as they rush to the toilet, and the next time they try to bring up the Halloweekend horror, remind them of the video you have.
We write an advice column that has a name inspired by my college’s dining center. The administration has decided to change the name of the building and will now be calling it the Gordon Commons, or the GoCo if you hate yourself enough to say that. Do we try and change the name of the advice column, or take the easy way out and launch a campus-wide campaign to get the administration to admit that they made a giant mistake and from now on they will not enforce the name change?
—The writers of a different advice column named after the Deece
Dear The Funniest People in the World,
What a relatable problem for anyone. It’s time for vigilante justice. Changing your advice column’s name would be too inconvenient for you, so you must dedicate your life to keeping the Deece alive. Campaign to designate it as a historical landmark. Lisa Kudrow has probably said “Deece” in her life, and that should be reason enough for the designation. Show up at President Bradley’s open houses and leave handwritten notes politely saying that you want the administration to come to its senses. She’ll either be moved by your commitment to the cause or think Matthew Vassar’s ghost is speaking to her. Either way, it’s a surefire way to get the job done!