Horoscopes

Aries

I sometimes feel awkward about initiating conversations with professors. If you feel the same, I suggest following in my footsteps. I purposefully fail the first test so the professor initiates conversation with me about the possibility of me dropping the class.

 

Taurus

You may be wondering, “Is it okay to ‘accidentally’ spill the strange concoction I just made in chemistry on my lab partner?” The answer to that query is yes. Worst-case scenario, you end up walking them to Baldwin. Best-case scenario, you start the apocalypse by creating human-zombie-bats!

 

Gemini

I understand the desire to show everyone how big your dick is. While knocking on people’s doors to share would be effective, I suggest wearing life-sized penis-shaped earrings. Not only will you look nice after accessorizing, you can also show off your big dick energy.

 

Cancer

I hate fighting with my headphones. It takes me 10 minutes to untangle one side. If I do this while trying to scarf down Express in the College Center, I look like a real clutz. Take pity on me and serenade me with “Fireflies” (the best song ever) anytime you see me.

 

Leo

You might be feeling disconnected and looking to see people shake their vasses. If you find yourself longing for dance, come see Vass Shakers dance in their pants. There will not be ants.

 

Virgo

I think I hate toasters. They take my fluffy and squishy bread and murder it, and then the black, flakey ashes fall out. The stars suggest that you turn the toaster all the way up whenever you see people put their toast in, so that you can make them as miserable and toaster-hating as I am.  

 

Libra

I know you’re itching for a little adventure this week. However, it can be excruciatingly hard to find cheap, yet pleasurable activities. I suggest sculpting an ice dildo. The only ingredients are a condom, paper towel roll (for structural purposes) and water! Maybe it’ll become your new kink.

 

Scorpio

You may be struggling with money this week. Instead of rashly spending, you should have someone hold onto it for you and keep it safe. The stars say that you should give all of your money over to me for safe-keeping. I definitely won’t spend it or roll around in it.

 

Sagittarius

I squirted grapefruit juice in my eye. It stung. I don’t know how to eat a grapefruit. I wish I could eat a grapefruit. I wish my mommy was here to cut up my fruit and the crust off of my sandwiches. Being an adult is hard. Would not recommend.

 

Capricorn

I don’t like to play chubby bunny. Instead I like to play fluffy blanket. Fluffy blanket is where I cuddle up in a blanket and sleep for hours. I sleep through class, dinner, lab, my birthday, graduation and mozzarella sticks at the Deece.

 

Aquarius

If I will a wish of which I make, I will a wish I want to take. Take it as I will my dear, I will sleep here. Here on the floor in the center of the Deece while you just keep barking at me like geese.

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