Christmas worshipper’s holiday spirit leads to broken femur

Above is an angry mob chasing down the Christmas-lover with pitchforks. I like to sit on my bed and use my pitchfork to turn off my light, but it’s also great for stabbing. Frank/The Miscellany News.

Christmas: the season for which Jesus is the source of its creation. Beginning as soon as August ends and continuing until the following July, Christmas captures the hearts, minds and money of millions of people across the globe. After being startled abruptly out of sleep by the first-year in her hallway who she thinks is screaming every night at 3 a.m., Sarah Beth Grimes is forced to go check to make sure everything is ok, only to discover that it was really just laughing. There’s nothing more exciting than the real start of the Christmas season!

“I started listening to an all–Christmas carol station back in September, but now that Halloween’s over, I can’t wait to really get into the swing of things this Christmas,” said Grimes.

Grimes’ first order of business upon moving in at the start of the school year in August was to hang holly from the ceilings.

“I think it looks festive in any weather. Plus, I mean, September 1 is really the time to start. If you keep putting it off, by November you’ll be overwhelmed with decorations and gift shopping and baking cookies and all that. It gets to be too much. I’m a little overwhelmed as it is; I wish I’d started earlier,” Grimes commented.

With the onset of chillier weather, other students have noticed Grimes doubling down on her decorations.

“She keeps pouring hot chocolate in the sink. I think the mini marshmallows have clogged it. It just keeps backing up,” said one of the other students in Grimes’s hall. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than the sink clogging with the carrots and stuff from people’s take-out Pad Thai, but I mean, why does the sink have to clog at all?”

Grimes has not been given free reign to decorate the entire hall.

“My stufel did make me clean up the fake snow,” complained Grimes. “It wasn’t my fault that that guy slipped and broke his femur. The slipperiness of the fake snow adds to the realism of it. Real snow is slippery, too!”

While the broken femur did cause quite a stir, other of Grimes’ celebratory actions have created more widespread ire.

Another member of the hallway sighed, “I don’t want to listen to Mariah Carey all night long. I used to love that song, but it haunts my dreams now. I’m not exaggerating when I say all night. I think she leaves it looped all day, too. I’ve started trying to spend as much time away from my room as possible. I’ve been sleeping in the Cushing common room. Those couches are not pleasant.”

Grimes’ most recent efforts even made President Bradley’s Sunday email.

“Dear all, I would just like to remind you that it is not safe nor allowed to climb on the roofs of buildings, especially while holding the end of a string of large, plastic reindeer between your teeth. Safety on campus is a top priority, and anyone else seen behaving like this will be disqualified from any future Crafted Kup gift card opportunities,” Bradley wrote.

Grimes, however, is undeterred.

“I know people think it’s a little crazy, but no one is too cool to celebrate Christmas. Besides, I think they’ll really come around when I cut down the big pine tree outside The Bridge and decorate it in the Cushing MPR. It’ll look so beautiful,” Grimes gushed. “I do think I’ll have to move some of the couches out of there to make room for its branches. I’m not sure how I’ll do it quite yet, but I can’t wait until it’s done.”

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