Horoscopes

Aries

Have you been bored with academic readings? Perhaps there are “Twilight” fanfics in which Bella is on her period and Edward drinks the blood. Sounds sexy, right? Please look into this for me and send your suggestions.

 

Taurus

Thanksgiving is coming, and I want chocolate chip pumpkin muffins. That’s right, Mom. This horoscope is all for you. However, if anyone else makes me pumpkin muffins, then I’ll adopt you as my mom.

 

Gemini

If you don’t want to fail your test this week, then you must post the lamest note you have on your phone. I have a note from 2014 that says “emily is the best and hannah i know that u are so jelouse.” I can only assume that my sister wrote this.

 

Cancer

It’s time to embrace your true identity and become a vandal. You must have smoke coming out of all of your holes after the renaming of the Deece. The stars tell you to rename the Deece in your own way on the little triangles on the table.

 

Leo

Things are looking up for you this week. And down. And left and right and forwards and backwards. There will be a lot of misdirection in your life this week, so don’t follow any advice.

 

Virgo

I wear glasses, and when it rains, I can’t see. I’ve decided to remedy this by never wearing glasses. Now I can’t see anyone, which is great because then I don’t have to talk to people. I would recommend reading in the dark so you can reap poor eyesight rewards.

 

Libra

My favorite pair of pants has a hole in the crotch. Sometimes I like to test fate and wear them even though I know they might rip right up my butt crack. I think we should all wear our pants torn apart at the crotch because I have a lot of cute pairs of underwear that have not been appreciated.

 

Scorpio

I really dislike having explosive diarrhea. I don’t know about you, but I find it to be unpleasant. Sadly, the stars predict that you’ll have uncontrollable diarrhea this week, so stay close to the bathroom. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

Sagittarius

On Saturday night I lay in my bed and started my 200-page psych reading. If I don’t get to have fun on the weekends, you don’t either. This weekend you must do something really boring, like read the College Handbook, or I’ll smite you.

 

Capricorn

The stars suggest that you will go to class this week. Watch it happen, and you’ll know I’m psychic. If you want readings, I’m available; however, I require payment in food that you can’t get at the Deece.

 

Aquarius

Apparently these horoscopes are always too mean and specific. Here’s your nice horoscope: You will have a great week. Enjoy the one fun week of your life until I go back to demanding that you do chores for me.

 

Pisces

The weather is making my skin so dry that my hand is ready to flake off. In attempts to rehydrate, I will be gathering lotion and using it to pour myself a bath. All are welcome to come slip and slosh around. Email me for details.

 

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