It’s that scary and annoying time of the year again, when one only feels validated and worthy if they have some sort of romantic affiliation. Yes, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day, one of the most infuriating days for single people like me, the day when a single person’s self-worth ludicrously falls lower than temperatures did during the recent polar vortex. Well don’t worry, my single superstars, because I am here to help you fight that! In all honesty, feeling low on Valentine’s Day is a very ridiculous concept in my logical opinion because even the most amazing people pull themselves down on this silly day. Imagine you’re a single Barack Obama (hypothetically speaking—Michelle and Barack are great together!), and on the 14th of February you feel inferior to Donald Trump just because he’s not single. Unimaginably absurd, right? Anyway, I am here with some friendly advice on this annoying day.
If you don’t have a human valentine, get a non-human one. Who made the rule of Valentine’s Day having to be humans-only? I say you get out there and find yourself a stress-free inanimate valentine. It will never argue with you, and you’ll enjoy peace and quiet! For example, I have decided my valentine is a giant stuffed dog who lives in my suite. I cuddle with him every day, and he provides a lot of warmth—much more than an actual human male would pffff. Your valentine could be a stuffed animal, or maybe even pillow, too. They’re very comforting! Or it could even be a rock. Or an academic subject. Or food. If you want some tips on what to tell others, you could say “I’m spending Valentine’s Day with my beloved bread, my bae-gel.” (Yes my puns are horrifying. No wonder I’m single.)
Drink your loneliness away. No, of course I don’t mean alcohol! I would never promote underage consumption of alcohol. You could drink hot chocolate or Diet Coke or whatever makes you happy on this sucky day. Just don’t break the law, and stay safe! (No I was not sipping wine while writing this. Or maybe I was.)
Scream. Forget primal scream during finals week—let’s have a Valentine’s scream. I say we all gather at Sunset Lake on Valentine’s evening. If you don’t like that, it can also be making loud noises, rapping, opera singing—whatever helps you let it out. We just have to be loud enough to disrupt all romantic walks at the lake, mwahahaha.
Have a romantic Valentine’s dinner, for one! I think this is my best piece of advice. Get yourself a special dinner for two for one! It’s perfect because you get double the food, which is presumably some fancy Valentine’s Day food, and you can even spread it out to cover two or three meals during the day. Plus you can dine in peace and don’t have to deal with someone else yakking. I think Tokyo Express has heart-shaped sushi as a Valentine’s Day special (I swear this is not a promotion), so that could be fun to try. I’ve always wanted to gobble up little hearts! Yum yum!
Rant about Valentine’s Day for the Misc. Hey, it’s a productive use of your time, and writing is beneficial. Or you could ask the advice column for tips to deal with Valentine’s Day. Although is that really necessary after all my amazingly brilliant advice? Alright. Ridiculous advice aside, I have some real and wholesome ideas for you— don’t be so hard on yourself! Enjoy this day by celebrating all the existing love in your life. It could be love from your friends or family, and no, that’s not lame. All love is good and important! And also, treat yourself. I was serious about the dinner for two for one! Take some time on this Valentine’s Day for self-care and appreciation, because your happiness matters a lot. And ok, I don’t like germs, but if you assure me you’re germ-free, then I’ll give you a big bear hug (I do love hugs). Let’s make this day a good one. Happy YOU-lentine’s Day!