Valentine’s letters from the National Breakup Association

Big man Anthony Davis had trouble breaking away from his toxic and volatile relationship. Others, like Kristaps Porzingis, found it easier to pack their bags and dip. Courtesy of Keith Allison via Flickr.

Preface: I wrote this column in accordance with the length of the song “Jealous” by Labrinth. If you finish the column before the song is over…cool. If you can’t finish the column before the song is over…less cool. Enjoy.

This column will be distributed, in its widest form, this Thursday, Feb. 14. It so happens—and I just found this out about 20 minutes ago—that this Thursday, Feb. 14 is Valentine’s Day. It so happens— and I just found this out about 20 minutes ago—that Valentine’s Day is the official holiday of chocolate-covered strawberries, corny notes of pseudo-sincerity and reflections on the sometimes vicious endings of past dalliances.

It also so happens—much to my Jewish mother’s chagrin—that I have some spare time (and some spare charm) on my hands this Valentine’s Week. The purpose of this column is to put that spare time to good use.

I can think of no better deployment of my carefully rationed almost-intellect than a column of made-up breakup texts pertinent to the NBA trade deadline and the sad songs most applicable to their gloominess. Without further ado, my most shockingly off-the-rails column to date…probably best enjoyed after the Valentine’s Day DBN.

(An aside: if you’re looking for something a bit weightier, last week’s column was about death. Please don’t tell me, like I’ve been told on Valentine’s Days past, that I’m not serious enough.)

Category One: “It’s not you, it’s me.”

To: Marc “On My Heart” Gasol
From: The Memphis Grizzlies
The Breakup Note:
“Marc, you deserve better than Me(mphis). You carried Me(mphis) through so much, with no one thanking you but Me(mphis). And you have nothing to show for it. You and your beautiful, toned arms deserve better. You do. I just hope you have something left to give. I hope you didn’t give it all to me, only for me to waste it all away. I’ll miss you, but it really isn’t you. It’s Me(mphis).”

Soundtrack: Adele—“Someone Like You.”

To: Nikola “It’s Like You’re My” Mirotic From: The New Orleans Pelicans
The Breakup Note:
“I just have another person on my mind right now, and because of that, it is not fair for me to keep this going. Goodbye, Nikola. I hope you liked my flirty Justin Timberlake reference. I hope your next love can make those kinds of jokes, too. Maybe I just wasn’t ready for you.” Soundtrack: Justin Timberlake—“Mirror” (but only if you sing “Mirror-tic” every time).

Category Two: “I thought you were the one, but I was so, so wrong.”

To: Markelle “It’s Neither of Our” Fultz From: The Philadelphia 76ers
The Breakup Note:
“You dazzled me. That’s why I wanted you, more than anyone. I gave up so much just to be with you because you were the man of my dreams; your game was pure and smooth, and your love was explosive. And then it wasn’t. I’ll never know what we could’ve been because you just weren’t the same once we were together. I’ll never forget you, but until you can find the man you were before we were together, this just can’t be all that we wanted it to be. The only thing Magical left here is what’s in Orlando…”

Soundtrack: Whitney Houston—“Didn’t We Almost Have It All.”

To: Ben “I Don’t Love You Any” McLemore
From: The Sacramento Kings
The Breakup Note:

(I only put good ol’ Ben in this column because this nickname is just too good.)

Soundtrack: Faith Hill—“Like We Never Loved At All.”

To: Thon “Bad Love” Maker
From: The Milwaukee Bucks
The Breakup Note:
(See: McLemore, Ben.)
Soundtrack: Halsey—“Bad At Love” (obvious, but still good).

To: Stanley “This Joke Was Deemed Inappropriate’” Johnson
From: The Detroit Pistons
The Breakup Note: 

(See: Maker, Thon.)
Soundtrack: Jibbs—“Chain Hang Low” (this is not actually a sad song. Unless you really want it to be, I guess).

To: Jabari “I Wish I Were Sorry” Parker

From: The Chicago Bulls
The Breakup Note:
“I wanted it to work out. I really did. I had my eyes on you for so, so long. But you aren’t who I thought you were. At least I’m comfortable saying this to you—I know that you won’t get defensive.”

Soundtrack: Jorja Smith—“Let Me Down.”

Category Three: “Yes. No. I agree. I’m HAPPY you’re leaving me. I’m HAPPY you wanted out. I never wanted to be with you in the first place. Not at all. Yes. Goodbye. I hope you can settle down with someone more in your…‘league.’ I never loved you. Not at all. Now I have more money to spend on people who DESERVE it.”

To: Kristaps “Texting Me, Please” Porzingis
From: The New York Knicks

The Breakup Note (and an actual text a Knicks fan (probably) sent):
“You scrawny ingrate. You know what, I DON’T EVEN CARE that you don’t want to be with me. If you’re not going to be with me at my Luke Kornet, you don’t DESERVE me at my Zion Williamson. I’m sorry you were tired of me trying so hard to be bad just for you. I’m sorry you don’t like life in the big city. I bet your mom will just LOVE meeting Dallas. So cute. So fun. Totally. Have fun down there, you wishywashy pterodactyl. You gave me so much hope, but I guess I wasn’t enough for you. No…You weren’t enough for me! I can be more than enough for the next one who comes along…”

Soundtrack: Leona Lewis—“Take a Bow.”
Alternative Soundtrack: Demi Lovato—“Stone Cold.”

Category Four: “I found someone better.”

To: Dennis “JR” Smith Jr.
From: The Dallas Mavericks
The Breakup Note:
“I found someone better. Get rekt.”

Soundtrack: Passenger—“Riding to New York.”

Category Five: “Can we please try to make it work?

To: Kyrie “If You Like It Then You Should’ve Put” Irving “On It” From: The Boston Celtics
The (Not) Breakup Note:

“I know that you think you’re unhappy. I just want you to remember how much you loved me before. I want you to remember all the things that we said to each other. I meant those things. I think you meant them, too. We can still be us again, Ky. Please let us be us again. You’re my (flat) world.”

Soundtrack: Future—“Turn On Me.”

To: Anthony “Markain” Davis
From: The Los Angeles Lakers
The Thirsty Note:
“Break up with your girlfriend, I’m bored.”

Soundtrack: Sam Smith—“Leave Your Lover” (sorry, Ariana).

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