Horoscopes

Hannah/The Miscellany News.

Aires

I’ve just recently found the fuzzy sock lyfe. It’s the only reason I wake up in the morning. However, I could just wear fuzzy socks to bed, and then there would be no reason to get up. I can’t wait until you start using them too!

TAURUS

I was trying to hang up a sweater in my closet last night. The hanger was warped, so I attempted to bend it back into place, but it snapped. I guess the moral of the story is to stop trying to make things fit into your idea of what they should be.

GEMINI

Sometimes you just want to nap, and that’s okay. Even if you decide to nap through class, odds are that your professor won’t take attendance, and you can just read the chapter that you missed later. This is just me trying to excuse my lazy behavior, because I know you Cancers are watching me.

CANCER

I want to drop one of my classes, but I can’t because it’s required for my major. I’m trying to figure out if I need a major or whether I can just take a bunch of dance classes. If you’re facing a difficult decision, then change around your whole life to accommodate it.

LEO

Time’s a-ticking. There’s no getting the twenty seconds back that you just spent reading your horoscope this week. What a waste of time, if I do say so myself.

VIRGO

You will find love this week; however, they won’t want to make your relationship Facebook official. This is because they are married with four children. Do yourself a favor by killing their spouse. You need a Valentine.

LIBRA

You have no job prospects, no romantic partner and will soon lose your vibrator. The only way to make this week a good week is to do some door-to-door stripping. Make a little extra money, and maybe find a significant other.

SCORPIO

Practice moaning sounds for a surprise sexual encounter this week. You never know who it’ll be with, so make sure you practice growl- ing and playful biting in case they are into that sort of thing.

SAGITTARIUS

Why can’t we still give other students in our classes Valentines? I don’t plan on giving them something because I know I won’t get anything in return, but you should get your classmates some Valentines. I promise everyone will love you.

CAPRICORN

You know what is a good Valentine’s Day surprise? Giving your significant other nothing. They will be shocked, and that’s really the point of this amazing holiday. I still don’t understand why we don’t get the whole day off of school because I need that time to cry.

AQUARIUS

You will watch a very slow and painful death in the coming days. It’ll be your grades. Sorry, that’s what the stars foretell. Thank God Almighty that I’m not a Sagittarius.

PISCES

The stars have an announcement: Astrology is fake. Remember this week that your horoscope is a lie. Nothing is real. Everything is fake. Even reality isn’t real.

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