Horoscopes

Hannah Gaven/The Miscellany News.

Aries

I’ve become addicted to almond milk in hopes of bonding with my sister, but she still doesn’t call me…Unrequited love sucks. Don’t put up with it. Steal all of their underwear so they have to pay attention to you.

 

Taurus

I like shaving my legs. They are all soft and smooth. When I stroke them, it’s like petting an eel who is my best friend. I recommend shaving your legs and then rubbing them against all of the furniture in your room.

 

Gemini

Sometimes you need a good cry. Just let it out on the Misc. This issue was made to be your tissue. Wipe that snot away. People will judge you, but at least it’s relatable.

 

Cancer

If you feel the need to cheat on a test, then do it. What’s the worst that will happen? Maybe you’ll be kicked out of school. Oh well. At least you didn’t waste a bunch of time studying.

 

Leo

Papers often have vague prompts. Take advantage of this by writing your snazzy opinion on BDSM, Amy Schumer, pudding or pillow princesses like I did. I follow the philosophy that if it’s memorable enough you’ll pass.

 

Virgo

Washington state is the best state. You can fight me about it. We legalized marijuana, wear Birkenstocks with socks and have a measles outbreak. If you’re vaccinated, come visit over spring break.

 

Libra

I’m kind of busy, so you’ll just get a basic horoscope this week. If you search, you will find what you truly desire. Be conscious about money this week because you may have intrapersonal struggles.

 

Scorpio

The Rorschach inkblot test tells me everything I need to know about someone. Take some time looking at inkblots this week. My grading scheme is if you see people, you will join a cult. If you see weapons, you probably have a foot fetish.

 

Sagittarius

I’m a big fan of the wall twerk. Not only does it take significant skill, but it’s also probably the coolest mating dance I’ve seen. Spend time watching other species’ mating dances, and then use those to create your own. It’ll be a big hit at parties.

 

Capricorn

Unfollow everyone you dislike on social media but are usually too lazy to unfollow. Make sure you comment on their most recent post that you no longer care to see their dumb post, so they can feel your wrath.

 

Aquarius

It’s time to smile because things are looking up for you. I told you to smile. Why aren’t you smiling? If you don’t smile, you will be smited.

 

Pisces

Shout your worries into the wind. It won’t actually do anything, but at least you tried. Maybe the wind will shout back at you. Wouldn’t that be scary if the wind became conscious?

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