Horoscopes

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Aries

You know what you want to do? Come to paper critique at 9 p.m. on Sunday nights. You want to come so that you can tell everyone else on the Misc how much you love the horoscopes and the horoscopes writer.

 

Taurus

I love getting a good nosebleed. It makes me feel like I’ve been possessed by the devil, which, if we’re being honest, is life goals. Give yourself a nosebleed to experience the euphoria of pinching your nose while blood squirts everywhere.

 

Gemini

I’m not sure that I like popsicles. It’s basically just licking a stick of flavored water, which is literally what humans are. Doesn’t it feel a little too close to cannibalism? Think before you lick.

 

Cancer

Drink the blood of thine enemies. All of the vampires will be jealous of your reckless blood-drinking. If you don’t know whose blood to drink first, get Senior Editor Mack Liederman. He can be found in the Misc office on Tuesday nights.

 

Leo

List of things to do this weekend:

Ocean pollution.

Torture.

Vaccines.

Make Pluto a planet.

 

Virgo

You know the song “Issues” by Julia Michael, where she sings, “I got issues, but you got ’em too”? I think that we, as a society, don’t think enough about what her issues really are. “One of them is how bad I need you,” but what are the other ones? Irritable bowel syndrome?

 

Libra

Getting off campus is such a time. I’m excited to go to the grocery store, which is so wild because when my mom used to ask me to pick up stuff in high school, I would throw a temper tantrum. Now I just feel like a disgruntled parent who hates her children and is looking for any excuse to get out of the house.

 

Scorpio

I have my shades open for the first time in about four months, and I am feeling myself. It’s so nice to actually see the sun for once. You should also try opening your blinds because anyone could be out there.

 

Sagittarius

My life is an uncertain mess. I don’t know what I will be doing in a few months. So, I’ve decided to hibernate and wake up when there are no more tests to take, and I can just sunbathe. If you need me, that’s too bad.

 

Capricorn

What do people do to contain their earwax? Why does earwax even happen? Who? When? Where? What? I love the five “W” questions. “How” must feel sad because it’s the odd one out. Help her out and only ask people questions using “How.”

 

Aquarius

Vampire Weekend (AKA the best band ever) is touring again. I can’t go to any of their concerts, which makes me murderous. Fuel yourselves with my rage, and commit some felonies this week.

 

Pisces

The only thing bringing me joy in life right now is this Chrome extension called Tabby Cat. When you open a new browser, an adorable cat pops up. Download it right this minute, or I’ll hack into your computer and do it against your will.

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