Apple gods saved us with AirPods

Apparently all three items shown above are not AirPods, despite the fact that they look identical. I know you don’t believe me, but I swear there are toothbrush heads and Q-tips in the picture. Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons and Electric Teeth via Flickr.

We’ve seen at least one Vassar student walking around campus with them, and whether we want to or not, we can’t help but stare. One of the newest Hunger Games gift parachutes sent to us tributes by the Apple gods has been literally saving lives and ears across the country. These OralB mini electric toothbrush heads, otherwise known as AirPods, are the company’s innovate design for ~wireless~ headphones, complete with tangle-free technology and 100 percent guaranteed egotism.

After finally purchasing Airpods, one student, who wishes to be anonymous, recounted their in credible experience of self-discovery and success. “Before I had Airpods, I was just a regular human. It was tough. My earbuds required constant wrapping and prohibited me from charging my phone while listening to music. One day someone told me, “I feel like you have Airpods. You look like someone who would have them.” It was honestly one of the best compliments I’ve ever received, so I had to make it true. Now, with Airpods, my world has changed for the better. After my first day wearing them, I noticed I couldn’t understand the word “broke” anymore. Like, I can say it, but I don’t know the meaning of the word, you know?”

The student disclosed what it’s like to be part of such an exclusive group of listeners. “It’s like I’ve been accepted into an elite membership. They never fall out, which is great because I basically never take them off, even when I’m in the Deece and asking for my food.”

However, the student claims they recognize their privilege. “I’m in a Sociology class about race, class and gender, and something I learned was making sure I accept how I contribute to the problem. I try to stay humble most of the time, and if that means putting on a pair of headphones over my Airpods, it’s what I have to do.”

Blast Ariana Grande’s “7 Rings,” and invest in your own Q-tips now!

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