Baldwin diagnoses all Vassar students as terminally ill

Seeing ambulances on campus is the unfortunate new norm for Vassar students. Apparently a class of 26 students was hospitalized last week after an individual coughed during the lecture. I’m excited to return to the measles outbreak in my hometown. Courtesy of xtberlin via Pixabay.

Vassar College has recently announced that it will tragically close its doors for good after Baldwin Health Services reported that the majority of students on campus seem to be terminally ill. As Vassar’s only on-site health clinic, Baldwin has provided high-quality treatment and care for students ever since its inception in 1940 and has totally never been irresponsible or wrong about any of its diagnoses throughout its long-running history.

“I trust Baldwin with my life,” stated an anonymous first-year student who has admitted that he has never stepped inside the Health Center before. “I’m sure that they provide the best possible healthcare to all its students without any billing frustrations or predatory practices at all.”

According to the campus report, the healthcare providers at Baldwin have noticed a disturbing trend in the past decade or so, where the majority of students whom they treat appear to have severe and even life-threatening medical conditions that make them unfit for school. On a daily basis, students walk in exhibiting symptoms of a cold or a flu and then end up being sent to the emergency room at the Vassar Brothers Medical Center (also a highly reputable and completely trustworthy institution) in an ambulance. The situation has become so dire that Baldwin has had to keep a team of paramedics at standby at all times in case of emergencies (which is all the time).

“It’s truly a bizarre phenomenon,” remarked one Baldwin medical practitioner. “These students appear perfectly normal and healthy on the outside, but the moment we examine them, we always find signs of a severe, debilitating illness that requires immediate medical attention. All this goes to show that you can never judge the health of an individual by how healthy they look.”

In an interview with one Vassar health service provider, the cases at Vassar would give medical TV dramas like “House, M.D.” a run for their money. She explained how students arrive through their doors initially demonstrating symptoms of something benign like a stomach bug or fever, only for them to discover the cause of these symptoms to be something much worse like an encroaching myocardial infarction or bronchitis.

“I’m technically not allowed to divulge this, but we had a patient who had this weird spot on his arm that he wanted us to examine,” stated one Baldwin practitioner. “I honestly didn’t know what it was, either, but after briefly looking through Web M.D. I discovered that it was a severe case of psoriasis. The patient clearly started to panic at this point and told me how I was wrong and that it had to be just a birthmark or something. However, as a medical professional, I managed to calm him down and send him straight to the emergency room.”

Unfortunately, psoriasis was the least of Baldwin’s concerns. With every new case, the diagnosis only started to increase in severity over time. In particular, the healthcare providers at Baldwin reported a “drastic” increase in cases of appendicitis, urinary tract infections (UTIs) and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) over the past several years. In addition, they expressed concern over the number of female students arriving at Baldwin with “obvious” cases of pregnancy, even though they claimed that they never had sex

However, the biggest worry for Baldwin is the growing number of Vassar students who exhibit signs of destructive denial upon hearing their diagnosis. Some patients would repeatedly question the accuracy of the diagnosis with no end, while others simply refused to believe it. There are even rumors about students who avoid going anywhere near Baldwin, even when they’re sick or require medical attention.

“Growing distrust of modern medicine in today’s society is a serious issue that the public needs to address,” warned one Baldwin nurse. “People can’t just diagnose themselves with whatever they find on Web M.D.”

In order to fight against medical illiteracy at Vassar and the growing number of students who refuse to seek proper medical attention, Baldwin Health Services condemned the state of student health at Vassar in its report, stating, “The rate of undiagnosed sickness on Vassar campus has reached a level of crisis. We have reasons to believe that the majority of the student population not only require immediate medical attention, but that they specifically need OUR medical attention, not just some outside doctor whom they claim to have visited.”

Left with no other choice but to comply, the entirety of Vassar College will be placed on an indefinite medical leave of absence starting this April, until Baldwin Health Services has deemed that health has recovered enough to continue classes. When asked whether they expect to receive thanks for their brave efforts, the healthcare providers at Baldwin commented, “We’re just happy to save the lives of these students.”

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