“Vassar will not be holding Commencement this year,” Registrar Colleen Mallet announced on March 27, “as all but one member of the Class of 2019 has unfortunately been held back.” Marking a first in Vassar history, nearly every senior in the class of over 600 failed to complete their course requirements or otherwise neglected to meet the criteria for graduation.
The lone exception was Pearl Pearson ’19, an American Studies major from Billings, Mont., who describes herself as completely unremarkable. “I have no idea how this happened,” said Pearson. “I’ve always been a solid B student. Honestly, I thought it was a mistake when I got in here. I guess I really proved myself wrong.”
The remaining seniors will be absorbed into the Class of 2020—a development that is sure to put strain on residential houses. The Office of Residential Life stated, “We will be implementing a twoto-a-bed policy so that apartments can hold up to ten students, and the Raymond basement will be repurposed to accommodate runoff.”
Seniors had mixed reactions to the news: Some dreaded telling their parents they would have to fill out a fifth FAFSA, while others were overjoyed at the prospect of spending another year with their friends and romantic partners. Hubert Herrera ’19 enthused, “There’s this sophomore I’ve been hooking up with, but she hasn’t returned my texts lately. I figure she’s scared to commit to a senior, but since that’s no longer a problem, I think I’m going to tell her I love her.”
The sophomore, for her part, declined to comment.