Aries
The worst part about working out is that you get sweaty. This means that you already put up with the exercise but you also have to shower. Or I guess you could stink?
Taurus
I never know whether to go to the bathroom during class or to just hold it, hoping I don’t piss myself halfway through the lecture. Your professors will judge you for leaving, so keep that in mind the next time you scuttle to the toilet.
Gemini
I like to lie to people about what time it is. I always tell them that it is later than it actually is, so when I tell them the real time, they feel relieved and excited about all of the extra time they have. I guess there are two lessons here: Never believe anything I say, and lying to your friends can make them feel better.
Cancer
The stars predict that people are in the early stages of planning a town uprising at your expense. Paying it forward is a kind gesture and is your only chance at preventing this coup. Good luck.
Leo
We all know you’re an alien, so just fess up already. Also, we would appreciate it if you could tell your family to stop abducting us and sticking implants up our noses. Thanks.
Virgo
Clean yourself. I suggest something with a gloss finish so you can shine like Edward Cullen. We all know a sparkly boi is a sexy boi. Perhaps you should use glitter hairspray to really outshine the rest and capture the gaze of a potential lover.
Libra
We all know that the day has come: The day you finally tell your parents about your sex life. Unfortunately, it’ll happen when you’re heavily intoxicated this weekend, and your friends stop you from calling your ex. In your saddened state, you’ll decide to call your mom for consolation.
Scorpio
I’ve decided to go on a new diet. I am exclusively eating applesauce for every single meal. It led me to some gastrointestinal problems, but I think it’s worth it. It’s very cleansing, and you all need it.
Sagittarius
Danger lies ahead of you if you chose the easy path. I don’t know what the easy path is, and you probably don’t either. So I suggest that you take both paths because you don’t want to miss out on the easiest one.
Capricorn
It’s time to rekindle past flames. Perhaps you could set your ex on fire or maybe even explode a microwave. You know that’s what your heart desires. I know that’s what your heart desires because I desire your heart because I’m hungry.
Aquarius
If you’re an April Fool, lick children.
Pisces
You will make lots of money, but you’ll lose it when betting on your friend’s failure. Stop being such a bad friend. Just transfer, why don’t you. We don’t want you here.
