Horoscopes

Aries

I’m in the Vass Shakers show this Friday. Thus, you will be going to the Vass Shakers show this Friday. I better see you there, and you better be screaming my name, or the stars will predict the death of your family for the next week.

Taurus

Things are looking bad. The Office Depot I worked at last summer closed. I just can’t believe I was such an influential and important employee that the store couldn’t survive without me. Be a useless employee this summer so the company is still there for you next summer.

Gemini

I don’t know what to do with myself when I actually have an hour of free time. I can’t even go to a study break because there isn’t one. My friends aren’t around, and I don’t want to talk to my parents. The only option is to lie in bed. Look up at the ceiling. Be unproductive this week. We all deserve it.

Cancer

It’s instinct for me to grab as many chocolate chip cookies as humanly possible, whenever I see them in the Deece. I have seven in my room right now. Let this horoscope serve to remind you of the competitive nature of humans. You must fight to the death!

Leo

Sometimes all you need is a little petting. Not heavy petting, just some light touching. Although you will not be heavily pet this week, the stars say that vomiting is a good way to get some soothing pets from your friends.

Virgo

I hate when you have to watch a movie for class. Like, that’s fun and all, but nobody has time for that. I mean, who doesn’t watch every video at double speed? Your task this week is to speed up your life by watching everything twice as fast, because you’ve been wasting your life.

Libra

Don’t you hate when you think you know the words to a song, but you actually don’t? But you were drunk, so you had a lot of self-esteem for once. This led you to scream the words. Alone. In the quad. At 3 a.m. Just stop. I live on the quad, and I don’t want to hear you screeching.

Scorpio

Be bold this week. Bold your entire essay because everything you have to say is important, and you need to make sure that people listen. Bold your emails. Bold the text that you are sending with your dick pic.

Sagittarius

Listening to music you loved in 2015 will be a throwback, but it will also make you cringe at your old self. Especially because the playlist you are listening to was made by your ex that you had a falling out with. Remind yourself of the good old days.

Capricorn

I don’t know what is the appropriate response when acquaintances post nudes on their Instagram. Do I just like it? Should I comment if their caption is funny? Test it out this week by posting a nude and then putting a couple reaction polls on your story.

Aquarius

Allergy season is here, which means it’s time to lock every door, close all of your windows and seal yourself off from the world. Goodbye friendships, hello “Friends” on Netflix.

Pisces

If you don’t want to do something, just don’t do it. I’m going to make merch that competes with Nike and says “Just DON’T do it.” I don’t know what I would replace the swoosh with.

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