In the wake of admitted students weekend, I’ve noticed a few things. Over and over again, there’s the repetition of popular tropes by these new and tragically bright-eyed recruits, and it is in honor of these brave, brave souls that I would like to dedicate this document that blatantly and unabashedly makes fun of them.
The “I’m in college now so I don’t have to actually do work” student: Sorry, homework, there’s been bad connection for a while there, umm… This is probably not a great time, but hey, yah, no, you’re absolutely fine, and I love you, but right now I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship, it’s really hard for me if we don’t see each other every day, so if we can just pause for a minute and wait until next year and see how we feel, that would be ideal. It’s honestly nothing you did, I just need some time to figure myself out and be on top of my life, you know? Like, you need food, water and shelter before you can achieve a feeling of security, but I hope this is okay and that I’m not totally breaking your heart cuz I really really do like you as a person, but rn is not the time for me to be in a relationship, I realize.
The “still in a relationship from high school” student (subtweeting myself? maybe): *checks phone* Read 5:23 p.m.
The “is trying to date in college” student: Commitment? Don’t know her.
The “is getting heavily ghosted” student: *checks phone* Read 4/15/19.
The “everly increasingly reliant on nicotine” student: Excuse me? I find vaping to be one of the best activities in my life. It has carried me through the toughest of times and brought light and vapor upon my spirit. You’re just another one of those people who doesn’t believe in the power of vaping. Your ignorance of the government is what makes you a sheep in today’s society. Have fun following today’s system.
The “scene never really died out did it?” student (perhaps, another self-subtweet): hi every1 im new!!!!!!! *holds up spork* my name is Katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see i’m very random!!!! that’s why i came here, 2 meet random ppl like me _… i’m 17 years old (i’m mature 4 my age tho!!) i like 2 watch invader zim, it’s my favorite tv show!!! bcuz its SOOOO random!!!! i’m random 2 of course but i want 2 meet more random ppl =) like they say the more the merrier!!!! lol…neways i hope 2 make a lot of friends here so give me lots of comments!!!!
DOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <— me being random again _^ hehe…toodles!!!!!
The “I exclusively eat sleep breathe chemistry” student: I had a dream where I got like a 43 on my test and the person next to me got like a 30 and the person on my other side got like a 93. I got to class and I got a 60 and the person next to me got a 60 and the other person next to me also got a 60 and the entire class almost failed.
The “didn’t know about the Lathrop basement until yesterday” student: You think I can make it down the stairs? There’s probably zombies down there. Very scary, everything is scary downstairs. I saw someone crying there once. It was probably because they were scared. I’ll just use the vending machine in Joss, thanks.
The “lives hundreds of miles away from Vassar” student: Biggest pet peeve when the flight attendants make an announcement for people without connections to please sit down so people WITH connections can get off sooner but EVERYONE proceeds to stand up anyways. Also, plane landing clapping. Who started that, and how can we end it? My ears haven’t popped yet. I’m tired.
The “still keeps in touch with all of their old friend groups from high school” student: Our English teacher had a baby. Remember when he would be self-deprecating and make jokes about being single all the time, and now he’s married and has a kid? We all need this energy. The “completely average Vassar admitted student”: I feel tired and anxious constantly.