Horoscopes

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Aries

It’s easy to procrastinate. None of us like doing work, so why are we still doing it? Ponder all of your life choices every hour of every day of every week. Lose all sense of your identity.

Taurus

We all become actual monsters when they put out mozzarella sticks at the Deece. I talk big saying that I don’t need people regulating my mozzarella stick intake, but deep down, I know I do. I would actually shove someone over. I know you too would shove someone over. Be honest.

Gemini

I woke up this morning looking very pale. There was no blood in my face, so I pinched my cheeks, hoping to look less like a ghost. However, then I looked like a ghost who enjoys blush too much. I guess the lesson here is to just be yourself and leave ghosts alone so you don’t become possessed.

Cancer

The stars predict that you will not get any classes during pre-registration. I hope you are a senior or that you’re abroad next semester so you won’t be stuck taking classes with professors with one-star reviews on Rate My Professor. I’m glad I’ll be gone and don’t have to deal with this.

Leo

Sometimes it’s okay to sleep through class. And by sometimes, I mean take multiple naps during every class. At least you are showing up. And if you’re showing up for class, you can show up for your local Humor Editor. Bring me roses.

Virgo

I’m so happy that they are redoing VSA elections because now I can declare my candidacy for VSA President. While President, I will vanquish bananas from campus because they smell bad when they start to rot. I will also change Milkshake Monday to Milkshake Every Day.

Libra

I like taking personality quizzes because it’s a way to learn more about myself. I often am surprised to see that I am 100 percent extroverted, but who am I to know myself? Instead of relying on your own instincts, base your life on Buzzfeed quizzes this week.

Scorpio

The stars predict you will suffer. I don’t know how, but know that you will. Perhaps you will accidentally eat a poisonous flower or sneeze on your toes. Maybe you’ll eat a mushy apple. I know what you are thinking: These are all equally horrifying.

Sagittarius

Now that it’s spring, I’ve resorted to only wearing shorts. Unfortunately, I will get hypothermia when it unexpectedly snows next week. I’m glad that climate change is fake, so I don’t have to deal with the globe getting too warm.

Capricorn

I think if a cult really wanted me to join, I would. I don’t have anything else better to do, and I want so badly to belong. It’s normal to feel like the odd one out, but you should go to extremes this week to be included. Consider locking strangers in your car.

Aquarius

I’m not a chameleon, but maybe you are a chameleon. Do you come and go, come and goooooooo? If so, I would recommend going to the doctor to get this checked out.

Pisces

Too many people are getting concussions. Arguably one person getting a concussion is too many, but now it feels like everyone is trying to bond over serious injuries. No matter who you are, it’s a bad idea to get a concussion this week.

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