Student pierces left nipple in order to feel something again

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

As it is finally April here at Vassar, things are getting a little more intense. Deadlines are approaching and moms are forgetting to call for their weekly Sunday check-ins. To gain a better understanding of how students handle the stress of an ending semester and a parent’s neglect, the Misc turns to Vassar junior Karen Brown.

The Misc: Hi, Karen! We’ve heard you’ve been having a pretty rough time. Would you mind telling us what’s been going on?

Karen: Sure. This week has not been great. It started off with me walking in on my roommate shaving her legs on her bed with my razor again. And then I logged onto my Insta tracker app and found out that my ex-boyfriend unfollowed my Instagram for the third time this month. And then today, the person in line in front of me at Express took the last pesto pasta. So, yeah. I guess you could say I’ve had it pretty hard this week.

Stories like Karen’s are not hard to come by here at Vassar. Express is notorious on campus for running low on the deliciously goopy pesto pasta that students spend their days looking forward to. So, how do Vassar students cope in the face of such unfortunate adversity? Karen is here to tell us. In a voice void of emotion, she informed us: “Well, Vassar Misc, I decided that the best course of action would be to get my nips pierced.”  

There you have it. Karen represents a growing number of students who are finding unique ways to handle the stress of college. While they once turned to milkshakes and Nilda’s to numb the pain, the absence of the Kiosk has forced many students to get a little more creative. Do we blame Vassar’s administration for steering students away from milkshakes and their frothy, comforting goodness by taking away this beloved Vassar dining option? To learn more about this heated debate, we turn back to Karen.

The Misc: So, Karen, tell us. Why a nipple piercing? Why not do something a little less permanent, and maybe a little less painful? Such as getting a milkshake from Burger-fi?

Karen: I’ve tried everything else already. For instance, last year when my hookup blocked me on Venmo, I got really upset and rearranged my room a couple of times until I felt better. But that was physically demanding, and also I ran out of ideas pretty quickly after the third rearrangement. And then a month ago, when I found out I didn’t get an internship that I was totally unqualified for, I made my friend come over and cut my hair. But she did a pretty poor job, and all I can say is that if you are going through a midlife crisis AND your hair looks like someone chopped at it with a butter knife, you’re not gonna feel too peachy. And a milkshake? Tried that. It makes you bloated. Crying? I guess crying is nice because it gives you the illusion that you’re getting an ab workout, but it also feels a little cliché. So what else are you going to do? Consult a professional counselor who has been specially trained to help college students in crisis? No! You’re going to get out of bed, drive 40 minutes to Kingston and pay some random man thirty dollars to pierce your nipple.

That’s all folks. As Karen’s narrative reveals, traditional modes of stress relief are proving inadequate to students today. No longer are students looking to yoga and nature walks as ways to calm their anxious minds. Instead they are pursuing tattoo parlors and impromptu hair cuts. Currently, as this article is being written, Karen is busy composing an email to President Bradley, encouraging her to consider allowing students to use their Arlington Bucks not only at places like Burger-fi for milkshakes but also at places that offer piercings. We look forward to seeing the results of Karen’s selfless work done for the good of the Vassar community.

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