Okay, now that it’s the end of the year and I am set to go abroad in the fall, I think it’s time to tell you all the full story about my personal war with ants. As some may know already, I recently wiped out a squadron of 200 ants, and I am hearing more of them in the walls as we speak.
These ants were not looking for food or anything of that nature. My room is very clean and I keep it that way for a reason, due to past experiences with ants. However, even back then an occasional 10 or 20 ants would pop up on a monthly basis.
Ever since I’ve tidied every square inch of this room, I haven’t encountered this problem. Of course, I see the occasional ant crawling around in the surrounding hallway, but never within the confines of my space. Tonight, however, was different. While everyone was at the Deece, the library or safe in their beds, the ants wanted to tango with the Devil and decided to disturb my peaceful slumber and ultimately my whole sleep schedule. Again, I have to stress that these particular ants weren’t out looking for food or even shelter. They were there for the KILL.
The ants knew I have killed many of their brethren, and they wanted to have their revenge. They wanted revenge for the many family members they’ve lost due to me and how malicious I may have seemed using the 4-inch Steve Madden platform as my ant-killer of choice. Tonight was the night they finally decided to express their hatred for me, and they came well-equipped to do the job and do it correctly.
Out of the 400 that attacked me, about one third of them were equipped with tactical wings to make aerial combat easier for them to achieve. If you hate flying ants, imagine a trained ant with his eyes fixed on you, trying to fly towards you at supersonic speed, while only achieving a speed slightly faster than that of a bumblebee. That’s what those ants were like. Of course, I had no choice but to stomp them down with my favorite ant-eliminator of choice: tactical ant spray.
Up next were the high-maneuverability ants. In order to make an effective squad that is capable of taking out humans, you need scouts to provide you with proper reconnaissance and intel to provide you with a large tactical advantage. These were the fast and agile ones, and whenever I tried to fight back, they always took cover under the floorboards as quickly as possible.
That’s what the most elite, most experienced ants were. They hid in the corners of my room and under the floorboards while scouting the area. When it was time, they called in the reinforcements of the aerial combat ants and made their final move on me when I was peacefully sleeping.
That’s when I woke up, however, and then attempted to defend myself as best as I could. The ants, unfortunately, possessed no semblance of mercy in their small, cruel ant bodies, and continued their very tiny yet very scary attacks on my person. The battle waged on deep into the night, and eventually I emerged victorious.
So, in conclusion, the ants I’ve encountered in my room were obviously highly trained military ant combatants that attempted to ambush me while I was asleep. I will guarantee you that you have NEVER experienced ants like these, nor would I ever wish this fate upon my greatest enemies. Even now, I fear that I have missed some of the ants, that they are still lurking and lying in wait for me to drop my guard. I am stuck in a perilous loop, forever locked into a battle of man versus ant. While I am large, their force is mighty and powerful, rivaling that of a grown human adult. I pity the poor soul who receives this room next semester. For them, I have only one message: The ants will find you, no matter how hard you try to hide. Your only hope is to run, and run fast. Godspeed.