It’s the start of the new school year, folks. You’re busy finding new classes, getting lost in unknown parts of campus and dealing with all 13 orgs you just joined. When could possibly be a better time than now to have an existential crisis? I suggest getting it out of the way before your classes really pick up and you start popping CBD gummies like they are Tic-Tacs.
But seriously, let’s face the facts: We are getting older. We have responsibilities and jobs, not to mention graduation looming ever closer, threatening to tear us away from our lovely seven cubic feet of living space. You’re probably wondering, “OH GOD WHY. I CAN’T BE OUTSIDE OF ADULT SUPERVISION. What do you mean I’m a legal adult?! I AM NOT. TAKE IT BACK. I’M BABY.”
Well, no worries. I have a few tips that will help you navigate this wild world after (and before) graduation. Before I disclose these gems, however, allow me to present to you my credentials of adulthood. I have scheduled my own dentist appointment before (granted, I didn’t go, but still it counts). Once, I stopped watching a Netflix show with only three episodes left so I could finish a project .
Believe it or not, I have been around for awhile—26 years, to be exact. This is a beautiful age where people buy you socks for Christmas, and you are actually excited about it.
In these years of life, I have learned that while we are, in fact, all trapped within a body of flesh living on a rock hurtling, ever-accelerating through the cold, dark vacuum of space, we are also living in a world of opportunity, and we should live our lives to the fullest.
If you are anything like me, you’ve felt the stress of the world weigh upon you. This article will serve a very specific function: provide advice so that when life is getting you down, you will know how to hop down into a squat position, and then YEET that stress up and out of your life.
1. Grades. Sure, grades are important, and I personally have been known to pull frantic Monster Energy fueled all-nighters to work on assignments. Well, after I’ve procrastinated for about three days in the first place. But don’t allow your life to be measured by the due dates and GPAs.
Give yourself time to breathe and relax. You deserve it. You’ve made it this far—go even further. But don’t wait to read that 400-page assignment until 34 minutes before class. Your classmates will realize it when you mention that the Divine Comedy “was hilarious bro.”
2. Control. Oof, this is a toughie. How much control do we have? The short answer: a lot more than I realized at the age of 18. We control what classes we enroll in (well, at least some of them), how we want to dress, who we want around us, what we want to eat (I don’t recommend choosing the baked catfish at the Deece though; that thing is a torture tool)…
Remember that while we can’t control all worldly shanenigans, we can change how we react and adapt to them, and that’s what really matters. For example, when I pass away at the ripe age of 83 and a half, it will be because I chose to fist fight that grizzly bear. It was eyeing my salmon, and I WON’T PUT UP WITH THAT. Yet, despite my gory finale, I still plan to glow-up at my funeral (I’m having my coffin bedazzled).
3. Help. You need it. Maybe not now, but eventually, we all do. And that’s okay. Try to treat yourself like you would a loved one. Let people you trust know when you’re struggling, and try to acknowledge it yourself. Even Frodo needed a whole fellowship to get that dumb ring up the mountain. Okay, granted, Sam did all the work. So be like Samwise Gamgee: Get old, write a book and rock an awesome green elven cape.
4. Make Dumb Decisions. You’re gonna do it anyway, regardless of whether you choose to or not, so you may as well choose to. Try to keep them recoverable. For example: Should I skip two days of class so I can Go on an impromptu camping trip in the middle of the frigid New York winter without checking the weather? Probably not. But should I buy a unicycle and look really silly falling off it all over campus? Of course I should! And by senior year, I will be good at it, and I will be able to laugh at those people who require two wheels! Two wheels? How unnecessary!
I hope my advice can get you through this awkward pre-adult phase of your life. Just remember to be adaptable! Emulate the majestic ostrich, which realized it couldn’t fly, so it just hit leg day until even the kangaroos were jealous. Or something like that.