People have been paying attention to you. You have two options: 1) embrace it by auditioning for a comedy group or 2) avoid everyone and everything by wearing a hoodie, cap and sunglasses.
Your instinct is always to dive into your projects, but summer’s over and they’ve already emptied the pool. To avoid any serious injuries, just chill a little and watch that Netflix show your roommate recommended.
To Geminis (specifically the one that wrote this column last year), letting go of your previous responsibilities might be scary, but don’t worry, I—the universe—got you. I’m never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you.
Cancer, self-care and self-love be rough. I know you’re feeling a bit down, but honey, remember that you are beautiful on the inside. Put a Lush mask on, paint your nails and watch some Queer Eye!
Have you ever been in a heated argument and realized you were completely wrong but decided to keep arguing because it was too embarrassing to back down? Well, Leo, this is you. If you know you are wrong, admit it.
Yo, stop trying to make decisions this early in the year! I can already hear you thinking: What should I major in? What club should I join? What should my thesis be about? JUST STAHP. See where the universe takes you. Just be like Jim Carrey’s character in “Yes Man.”
Libra, you’re remembering when you sat on a ketchup packet and it stained your Apple Bottom jeans, so everyone laughed at you when you stood up. I wish I could erase your middle school’s memory of this incident, but look on the bright side: No one at Vassar can call you “Ketchup Pants.”
In the wise words of Shia Labeouf, “Don’t let your dreams be dreams,” Scorpio. I know you’ve been meaning to get around to something you’ve been planning for a while now, so what are you waiting for? JUST DO IT
OMG Sagittarius, you have accomplished so much lately and you haven’t given yourself any credit. I want you to use your first work-study paycheck to buy yourself some balloons and a feather boa, so you can celebrate you.
Listen to what I told Cancer, Capricorn. You need to take care of you first, Bae. You can’t burn yourself out this early in the semester! Go splurge on some essential oils and diffuse your worries away.
Aquarius, don’t add things to your online shopping cart to make yourself feel better. You don’t need to order 24 king size white chocolate Kit Kats. Save your money until after Halloween when the candy is on sale.
If that’s your car alarm that keeps going off in the TA parking lot, then go outside and turn it off. It’s terribly annoying to all of the residents who are trying to study and/or write horoscopes for the Misc.