March 21 | April 19
Aries, big things are happening this week. I do not know what or when, but they are happening. Be prepared (you are not going to win the lottery though).
April 20 | May 20
You are so trustworthy that everyone is willing to share everything with you. I know you don’t want to hear about how the guy at BurgerFi went to the hospital because he accidently broke his finger doing a handstand, but hey, when life gives you lemons…
May 21 | June 20
I hate to break it to you, Gemini, but time-turners do not exist. You cannot possibly go to your gavotte lesson and your job as a lizard-walker if you have already signed up to sing lead in the Pig-Latin opera. Remember, you can always say NO!
June 21 | July 22
Cancer, I have good news and bad news. You will probably lose your ID for the third time this semester, but you will find something else you lost. Perhaps the Snickers bar you lost last Halloweekend. It’s probably still good.
July 23 | August 22
You have enough money to buy those cute clear-vinyl pants that have caused a controversy on the internet. Just remember to wear nice undies. But if you haven’t done laundry, just remember to at least wear underwear.
August 23 | September 22
Someone will try to get the last brownie at the Gordon Commons (DEECE) this week and that is simply unacceptable, Virgo. Challenge them to a duel and take your victory brownie.
September 23 | October 22
Libra, you catch more bears with honey, as they say, so be kind to people, and I promise it will be rewarding. Or you will be attacked by bears, but at least you still have that honey.
October 23 |
November 21
Scorpio, I don’t know about you, but adulting makes me nervous to the point that I feel butterflies in my stomach. Instead of hiring an exterminator for the butterflies, drink probiotics.
November 22 | December 21
I stayed with a friend this weekend and was nervous to let him treat me as a guest. Once I let myself be loved and cared for by this friend, I got fed the most amazing pancakes. Let yourself get pampered by your loved ones.
December 22 | January 19
Simply waiting for the end of the world will not do you any good, Capricorn. You gotta prepare by building a shelter. Remember that you must replace your canned tomatoes every eight years.
January 20 | February 18
You have the right to vent, but not at the Retreat. Not everyone relates to your struggle that SARC didn’t approve your competition to see who can shatter the Main windows by singing a C-note very loudly.
February 19 | March 20
Be willing to lend a hand to those who need it this week, Pisces. If your roommate asks you for tape, but you don’t happen to have Scotch Tape, then Welsh, English or Irish will do.