Horoscopes: Sept. 26

ARIES 
March 21 | April 19 

Ok, so you blew all your Arlington Bucks already. That’s fine; you promised to babysit during fall break, so you will have some money afterward. For now, you can just take some of your friends’ bubble tea when they’re not looking. Be careful not to choke on tapioca pearls! 

TAURUS 
April 20 |  May 20 

You’ve been in school for three weeks. How have you not done laundry yet?! You need to stop pretending that your towels don’t smell weird. Your neighbors are starting to suspect that you run a cottage cheese factory. 

GEMINI 
May 21 | June 20 

Gemini, you have to fake it until you make it. I’m sure people will never suspect that you are actually three ducks stacked on top of each other in a trench coat and fedora. Just make sure to comb the mustache. 

CANCER 
June 21 | July 22 

I understand it sucks when people cancel dinner plans, but there’s no need for you to burst out singing “Memory” in the Deece. Everyone thought you were promoting the new movie with the terrifying CGI. I still have nightmares. 

LEO 
July 23 | August 22 

You have to show that you are dedicated to your craft, Leo. So maybe people don’t think you can make it as a soap opera actor. Maybe you just need to practice your hair flips and intense stares. 

VIRGO 
August 23 | September 22 

You really have been counting your lucky stars for a good grade on that assignment. I hate to break it to you, Virgo, but you have to start your paper before you get a grade on it, and it’s due tomorrow, so step on it! (Not literally. It’s a figure of speech!) 

LIBRA 
September 23 | October 22 

Pay more attention to your surroundings, Libra! If you would just look up from your phone more often when you’re locomoting, you wouldn’t have crashed into the lamppost, and would’ve avoided that bruise on your forehead. Use some concealer, honey. 

SCORPIO 
October 23 | November 21 

I know you are not a morning bird, but you’re not going to catch any creepy crawlers, much less any worms, if you keep snoozing your alarm. Maybe five minutes are acceptable, but 30?! At least give yourself some time to brush your teeth! 

SAGITTARIUS 
November 22 | December 21 

Excercise caution around the campus washing machines. They may take your socks. So, I’m starting my own series called “The Bachelor: Socks Edition.” I figured that with so many single socks in my drawer, one of them is bound to find a match. 

CAPRICORN 
December 22 | January 19 

Maybe it’s time to get your flu shot before you get paranoid and WebMD search your symptoms. It’s not likely that you have a cat scratch fever if the last time you touched a cat was at your grandma’s over five years ago. 

AQUARIUS 
January 20 | February 18 

Don’t believe what you hear this week, Aquarius, especially from your roommate who flew to Nevada to storm Area 51. He probably did not see an alien, and if he did, they probably do not look like E.T. 

PISCES 
February 19 | March 20 

If you are just not feeling your best this week, I recommend you listen to Queen’s “I Want to Break Free.” It’s such a great song, and you can annoy everyone around you by singing the guitar parts. It’s so good! 

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