Quite Frankly

Hey Frankie,

Recently, two of my friends expressed sexual interest in each other and presumably started having casual sex. That’s fine. The problem: I’m really interested in one of them. What do I do? Tell both of them? Tell one of them? Suffer silently? Create an angsty playlist?

Sincerely,
Fraught with Feelings


Dear Fraught,

Quite frankly, that’s rough, buddy. A lot of my advice will be situational, so let me disclaim that your situation might differ greatly from the one I’m imagining. Also, for the sake of my word count, I’ll refer to the friend you’re interested in as your crush, and the other friend as your friend.

You first have to consider what your goals are, here. You’ve said it’s fine that they’re having sex, so your problems here are ostensibly emotional. If they’re having casual sex, that doesn’t preclude you from having a romantic relationship with your crush at some point in the future. If you’re willing to wait and set aside your feelings in the meantime, there’s no reason you should open up this emotional can of worms right now.

However, if you are really struggling with the idea of your crush and your friend getting together, it might be worth having a conversation with your friend. But be careful, because this could also turn into a weird situation where you know about your crush, and your friend knows about your crush, but your crush still doesn’t know. That just seems like you’re playing high-stakes Jenga with your future interpersonal relationships and emotional well-being. That’s not a move I’d lightly recommend.

Unless there’s some imminent reason why you have to tell your friend and your crush about your feelings, I think the best thing to do is sit tight and see what happens between them. Maybe they’ll hook up once, and that’ll be the end of that and you can all collectively move on. Even if their casual sex becomes less casual, you can build an emotional bond without encroaching on any burgeoning feelings between your friends. For example, you can spend more time one-on-one with your crush in a friendly way, assuming you don’t have any goals in doing so, and that’s not emotionally torturous for you.

The worst outcome from cultivating a closer emotional connection with your crush is that you find yourself with a closer friend, and perhaps some unprocessed romantic frustration. And that, my friend, is where the angsty playlist comes in.

Best Wishes,

Frankie

P.S. Just because they’re interested in each other sexually doesn’t mean you’ll never have a chance to open up about your feelings and to be heard. There’s still time for a happy ending! Hang in there, pal.

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