March 21 | April 19
This week is your week! No matter what happens throughout the week, just know that it ends exactly how you’ve been hoping it would: alien abduction.
April 20 | May 20
Taurus, I know you’ve had to bend to other people’s will lately. But enough is enough. Put your foot down, and tell the Quidditch team that the real reason you joined is that you wanted to be one of the hoops.
May 21 | June 20
Dear Gemini, times may have been rough lately, but I want you to know, good things are coming. They are coming quickly. Too quick-ly…OMG WATCH OUT BEHIND YOU.
June 21 | July 22
Cancer, you forgot to write your essay this week. It’s fine, but don’t lie to your professor—that never helps. Tell them the truth: They never should have given you any responsibil-ity. That’s their own fault.
July 23 | August 22
Just because your sign is a lion does not mean you can talk to the big cats. Your fami-ly hates watching “The Lion King” with you. Plus, you’ve been banned from three zoos. Just stop.
August 23 | September 22
Just because your sign is a lion does not mean you can talk to the big cats. Your fami-ly hates watching “The Lion King” with you. Plus, you’ve been banned from three zoos. Just stop.
September 23 | October 22
Libra. Be aware of stray tapirs this week. I’m not saying you’re going to be attacked by a tapir, but I would look to see if the Vassar insurance covers tapir attacks (or anything else, really).
October 23 | November 21
You’re a passionate person. You live your life with your heart on your sleeve. We are all really concerned. Where the hell did you get that heart?! Please put it back.
November 22 | December 21
Sagittarius, telling people who look a bit tired that they look great is nice. But did you consider that we look tired because you woke us up? How did you even get in my room?
December 22 | January 19
Oh, Capricorn. Please keep your your night-ly ritual of going up to the roof and screaming like a banshee a weekend-only thing. Or at least go to Skinner to do it.
January 20 | February 18
You seeing that same person around cam-pus all week is just a coincidence. You’re just on similar schedules, eat at the same time, live in the same dorm, attend all the same clubs and go to the same movies. It’s totally normal.
February 19 | March 20
Yo, you gotta stop following Aquarius around. I tried covering for you, but they are catching on, and honestly it’s weird. Just stop.