Momus, Goddess of Satire, counsels strung-out students

Dear Mom,

Stress from school is really starting to get to me, and I have an urge to cry. The problem is that I don’t know my roommate very well ,and I am afraid to cry in front of him. Do you have any suggestions for places where I can cry?

Sincerely- Frustrated Crier

Dear Crier,

I am so sorry for your frustration. Adulting is very difficult, and as far as I know, there is yet to be a guidebook that tells you exactly what to do in situations as shameful as public crying. But not to worry, because you came to the right runny-nosed being. I am a frequent crier and can give you a map of the best crying locales on campus. For starters, professors’ office are great places to cry. They usually have tissues, and many are prepared with candy to make you feel better. It’s like being at the dentist but without having to lie about your flossing habits!

If you want a more outdoorsy location, I suggest one of the benches at Sunset Lake. I am especially fond of these benches because I feel like a Disney Princess every time. Just dramatically fall onto one of the benches and wail. It makes for a quite scenic cry.

But, as for getting your roommate comfortable with you crying in the room, you can easily just ask. It might be extremely awkward, but I think it can bring you two closer together. I suggest just plopping your head onto their bed and releasing those inner frustrations. If you have a sympathetic roommate, they might just pet your head, much like mine did. (If you’re really lucky, they’ll be a sympathy crier.)

Best of luck- Mom

Dear Mom,

I have an essay due soon that I have no idea how to write. The prompt is very specific but very vague at the same time. What should I do? The Writing Center had no answers for me. You are my only hope.

Sincerely- Riter Sblock

Dear Riter,

I have yet to be in your shoes, but I am very sympathetic to your cause. My immediate reaction is to tell you to drop out, but I am thinking that my suggestion might not go over well with your parents. So, you can write about something, a foolproof topic. You know, about something that everyone likes. For instance, have you heard anyone diss on turtles? No, because everyone loves turtles. Write your essay about turtles, and I am sure your professor will enjoy it.

Yours- Mom

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