Quite Frankly

Hey Frankie,

I’m kinky, and my boyfriend is…enthusiastic. He’s willing and excited to try new things, but he’s just not good at dirty talk. How can I encourage what he’s doing, but push him toward what I really want?


Dirty Slut

Dear Dirty,

Quite frankly, mediating between varying sexual preferences can pose obstacles for any relationship. As with any other relationship obstacle, the key here is effective communication. And don’t worry, you can have these conversations in a sexy way.

Trying to get your boyfriend to be kinkier by the force of sheer will can only take you so far. You have to speak to him directly about your desires, and not rely on his ability to pick up your cues mid-coitus (when, let’s be real, his powers of deduction won’t be at their peak). Particularly because you want him to work on his dirty talk, you can’t rely on your nonverbal cues and suggestive behavior. Such cues can work for physical acts—you can set a pair of handcuffs on the bedside table, for instance—but not so well for verbal kinkiness.

Speak with your boyfriend about the best way to experiment with the kind of dirty talk that you’d like. To begin, try modeling it in the form of a question. For instance, if you want him to call you his dirty slut, try asking: “Am I your dirty slut?” This is effective because “Yes” is less potentially uncomfortable than “You’re my dirty slut.” Over time, he’ll realize that you like this terminology.

Stress to him that, like anything else, dirty talk is an acquired skill. It’s okay for some of his phrases to land awkwardly; this is all in the service of sexual pedagogy.

Of course, verbal cues are no substitute for a conversation about your kinks. Just like any good vanilla relationship, kinky relationships rely on both parties vocalizing their desires and agreeing on how to proceed. Formalizing these rules could easily seem like you’re making the activity less fun, but you can frame the conversation as an interactive one. For instance, you can have him try out different phrases to see what he’s comfy with and what turns you on.

In any sexual interaction, established expectations are incredibly important, no matter where your acts fall on the spectrum between vanilla sex and prolonged BDSM scenes. The best way to make sure that both you and your boyfriend are comfortable with every aspect of your sex life is to speak candidly about it.

Best wishes,


P.S. You shouldn’t feel afraid to voice what you want to your boyfriend! He wants you to feel good—if he doesn’t, you have more problems than vanilla sex.

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