March 21 | April 19
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But you shouldn’t beat around the bush, cause the early bird catches the worm. Even though there’s two of them in there. My point is you’re going to be attacked by birds this week.
April 20 | May 20
The little voice inside you is telling you to buy that shirt you saw at Target. This may seem like a sign. But in reality, it’s the Target micro speakers ensuring they get their sales. Super cute shirt though
May 21 | June 20
Gemini, appreciate the little things in life. Like finding money in an old winter jacket, putting on a shirt fresh out of the dryer or even the legion of mice that have been slowly tracking your every move over this past month.
June 21 | July 22
Stop saying that random celebrities or cute animals are your “spirit animal.” Your spirit animal is a tone deaf salamander named Moe, and plus that whole concept is racist. Moe is pretty and sweet and does not appreciate your constant dismissal of his work.
July 23 | August 22
Leo, wearing mismatched socks is not the worst thing in the world. But I am a bit concerned about the fact that you decided to wear them on your hands and your shoes are missing.
August 23 | September 22
When a party is having a hard time getting out on the dance floor it is probably a good idea to play the “Cha Cha Slide.” Do I think this was the proper choice for your great-uncle’s wake? Not really, but at least everyone danced along
September 23 | October 22
Libra, call your grandma. She wants to hear all about you and how school has been. Granted, the call is always bad and she talks for too long. But it’s your grandma! The call will soon be over and you can put the Ouija board away and leave the cemetery.
October 23 | November 21
Do not go on any hot air balloon races this week. Sure, this is the week of the great Poughkeepsie Balloon Drift-a-thon, but I saw a guy in a purple suit twirling his mustache and stabbing a picture of your balloon. I don’t think that’s a good sign.
November 22 | December 21
Sagittarius, your future is shining bright! Your optometrist keeps telling you to wear your transition lenses to protect your eyes but you just don’t listen well. Now you won’t see well, either.
December 22 | January 19
Do you ever feel like a cloud? Floating endlessly through a wide open sky? No worries; we all do. And the cloud society is happy to welcome you, bröther. Next Tuesday is when we do lightning drill, so bring your taser.
January 20 | February 18
Aquarius, if you are having a passionate argument in class and someone has the audacity to tell you to calm down, here’s what you should do. Take a deep breath. Count to five. Open your third eye. Erase them from this reality
February 19 | March 20
If you’re haunted by memories from your past, just drink some tea, put on some relaxing music and take a nap. No harm will come to you in your dreams…(Okay, I think they’re asleep. ATTACK. ATTACK NOW.)
