Momus, Goddess of Satire, counsels strung-out students

Dear Momus,

I have refused to do my laundry for weeks and now I am living in a pile of dirty clothes! Can you please help motivate me to clean up?

Thanks,

Stinky Senior

Dear Stinky,

I had this exact same problem until I decided to embrace my natural scent. It’s not quite bad, and I have heard that although people say they cannot come near you, they are actually attracted to your pheromones. Let the haters hate!

But, I mean, you eventually run out of socks and there’s got to be at least one efficient way of getting through the pile. I suggest you turn your room into a giant washing machine. All you gotta do is get a hose, soak your room and all your clothes in it, and voila! Just add soap and you have washed your clothes in one load! Heck, you’ve cleaned your filthy floor, too! If you are not willing to deal with security, building and grounds and perhaps President Bradley, you can always try to make the process of doing your laundry more about self-care. Have you tried the KonMari method? It’s quite relaxing once you get over the stress of feeling like you own too much crap!

Good luck,

Momus


Dear Mom,

How do Vassar students go to the bathroom on campus? There are no private restrooms, and I am concerned for my health.

Sincerely,

Shy Bladder

Dear Shy,

I don’t think I know of a person who likes to go to the bathroom with others around, but when nature calls, we have to do what we have to do. If you are too embarrassed to poop in front of others, I recommend having your personal kit to make things better for everyone around. First, bring a speaker into the bathroom with you, and blast heavy metal music so no one can hear you tinkle. If a speaker is not accessible, you can always sing as loud as you can. I highly recommend singing Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone.” One does not simply sing that song without screaming. Second, bring a candle into the bathroom. It can help you relax, and people will never know you were there.

  1. Going to the bathroom in another dorm to avoid being recognized. This only works if your bowels are shy in front of people you know.
  2. Live in the bathroom so you can grow accustomed to the setting.
  3. Make an announcement to everyone living on your floor that you need to go to the bathroom and hence, they can’t go in. By screaming “ocupado!” down the hallway, everyone will understand that you need to take care of business.
  4. Just go. We are only human, and it’s not always pretty.

Happy peeing,

Mom

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