Goddess of Satire showers Vassar with godly wisdom

Dear Mom,

Now that it’s getting colder I no longer want to ride my scooter around campus. But walking is horrible and I never want to do that either. What should I do?

Sincerely, Seasonal Scooter Driver

Dear Scoot,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this weather is nothing compared to what is coming in the next few months. Here’s my advice: Keep riding your scooter to get used to the frigid air. Only then will you adjust to the frozen boogers on your lip! Also, the quicker your commute, the less time you have to spend outside in the cold!

But, as someone who had to quickly acclimate to the cold during my first year living outside of Arizona, I can tell you that the best way to defeat your enemies is to acknowledge them and to accept them for who they are.

Cold weather is not half bad if you accept it and get on with your life. Apparently people drink non-Snapple tea on the East Coast—I know, I also thought all tea was meant to be iced, but it also comes in a hot form, apparently. Tea is great during, well, tea time! It keeps you warm and awake! That is what people call a twofer! (Apparently learning some of the lingo also helps to adjust to the frigid air.)

By the way, Vassar smells amazing during the winter. I am not sure what the smell is, but the winter smell always reminds me of winter. It might be frozen soil, or perhaps even the organic odor of students’ brains frying, but as my friend Hannibal always says, “There is nothing wrong with that.” Just make a ritual of getting a good sniff when you walk out your door and eventually, you will grow to miss it. After all, the summer just smells like hot concrete.

Ultimately, I suggest you just suck it up like the rest of us. Oh! I almost forgot. You have to train yourself not to fall on the ice when the time comes. Start ordering some IcyHot before you fall on your butt on your way out of the Deece!

Happy Fall, Mom


Dear Momus, I keep noticing a smell in my room. I wasn’t quite sure what it was. But now I realized my roommate hasn’t showered in a few weeks. How do I deal with this?

Sincerely, Smelling Fish

Dear Smelling,

There is no more Fortnite, so I think you’ll be fine from here on out. If not, talk to ResLife.

Best, Mom

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