Horoscopes: Oct. 17

ARIES 
March 21 | April 19 

Stop buying cute notebooks at the Juliet.You’ve bought one per week since the semester started and have yet to write in any of them. You’re going bankrupt and killing the Amazon in one fell swoop. Congratulations.

TAURUS 
April 20 |  May 20 

Taurus, please ask for permission before you touch someone’s pet. What do you mean it wasn’t a pet, but a gang of rabid womp-womps? What do you mean they attacked you? Sounds like more of your excuses.

GEMINI 
May 21 | June 20 

Sometimes it’s important to just stop and smell the flowers. Yes, I know that you spend a lot of time “inhaling” a type of plant in your room already. But maybe try something that won’t impede your studying habits.

CANCER 
June 21 | July 22 

You will receive a strange horoscope this week. It will keep you reading while simultaneously contributing nothing to your everyday life. As you finish it, you will feel cheated of substance.

LEO 
July 23 | August 22 

That special person emails you every goddamn week, and you have yet to tell them how you feel. It’s now or never. Email President Bradley to profess your love ASAP. (Forward the response you get to [email protected])

VIRGO 
August 23 | September 22 

You’ve been feeling stuck in a rut as of late. Well, consider changing up your morning routine a bit. Try waking up 15 minutes earlier. Drink a glass of orange juice. Summon the Great Lord Cthulhu. Maybe go for a light run.

LIBRA 
September 23 | October 22 

Libra, I went to read your stars, and they were all gone. Like, nowhere to be found. I wouldn’t panic too much about it though. And by that I mean “I” personally wouldn’t worry about it ’cause I’m not a Libra. You should worry quite a bit.

SCORPIO 
October 23 | November 21 

When you called your professor “Mom” in class, we laughed, but we understood the mistake. When you then called your mom “Professor” we were a bit more confused. But now that you called your boyfriend “Professor Dad” we are just horrified.

SAGITTARIUS 
November 22 | December 21 

Sagittarius, you are full of animal-like qualities. You have the reflexes of a cat, the loyalty of a dog and much like a deer, you will likely be hunted for sport since your tick infested body helps spread Lyme disease all across campus.

CAPRICORN 
December 22 | January 19 

I love that you finally opened up to someone about what’s been bothering you. Am I confused on why you decided to say it all to the 16-year-old fast food worker when he asked how you were? Yes.

AQUARIUS 
January 20 | February 18 

You recently got into crystals and are a bit overwhelmed, but that is totally normal. Here is a crash course. Amethyst helps with sleep. Rose quartz helps with love. And all crystals keep away danger when sharpened to a fine point and wielded by a screaming lunatic.

PISCES 
February 19 | March 20 

When I offered to take a load off your mind, I meant that you should drink tea or take a nap. But hey, you already scheduled the lobotomy so you may as well follow through now.

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